Confessions I have a confession to make.....

[CarewsEyebrowDesigner]

On the wetting a bed front, I once turned up at a ladyfriends house, absolutely hammered, threw up all over the bathroom and passed out on a bed. I wet it, of course, although I was grateful it didn't go all Spud from Trainspotting. I tried to cover it up however, as they left me a glass of water by the bed in case I got thirsty, so I poured it over the bed sheet, rubbed it in to try and make it look less pissy, and sat downstairs all morning with soaking wet trousers, undoubtedly stinking of piss, drink and vomit, trying to act cool as a really bad person.

[leemond2008]

I was meeting up with a bird to go on our first "date" and was pretty excited cuz she was rather fit, anyway I thought it would be a good idea to have a pint of two in the pub with one of my mates before hand, she called me and said she was going to be late so I stayed out for a few more...and a few more, by the time I was walking to meet her I had consumed about 12 pints and when she spotted me I was swaying around pissing up the window of blockbusters on erdington high street at about 5 o'clock in the evening.

Funny thought that was the only time we went out and I can't actually remember what we did.

[Houlston]

I was meeting up with a bird to go on our first "date" and was pretty excited cuz she was rather fit, anyway I thought it would be a good idea to have a pint of two in the pub with one of my mates before hand, she called me and said she was going to be late so I stayed out for a few more...and a few more, by the time I was walking to meet her I had consumed about 12 pints and when she spotted me I was swaying around pissing up the window of blockbusters on erdington high street at about 5 o'clock in the evening.

Funny thought that was the only time we went out and I can't actually remember what we did.

 

I mean this in the nicest possible way but your life seems like a series of Shameless.

[leemond2008]

I keep saying that most of these were when I was a lot younger (between 19 and 24 probably) I'm a good boy now

[Houlston]

Well its all funny whenever you did it.

[Ginko]

Catching up on today's posts in this thread has just been the best fifteen minutes I've ever spent doing pretty much anything.

Thanks guys

[chrisp65]

This might be skirting around getting one or two VT'ers a bit excited, but I'll warn you now, there is no sex in this story:

 

Many years ago, on the Student Union, I helped organise the first party / piss up of the new college year.

I was properly nervous that it should be a success, so I probably set off at a bit of a strong pace. Having speed drunk waaaaay too much way too quickly I realised I was going to be very sick.

 

For some bizarre drink fuddled reason I decided I couldn't be seen to be ill in front of all the new dudes I was hanging out with (which was odd because previously me and my 'real' mates would deliberately induce chucking up to make space for more beer). Anyway, I didn't want to be seen to be ill. So I ran round thanking everyone for making it all brilliant, and enigmatically left my own party early.

 

Ran down the stairs, jumped in a taxi and went home. Taxi driver put me on the £25 clean up warning, he could see where it was going. Got home literally with my mouth clamped shut. Key in door, bang through the door. Bolted up the stairs, two at a time, mouth full. Layout of the house was toilet door directly top of the stairs. Up the stairs, kick open the bathroom door and projectile vomit in the direction of the toilet. Full force, full pressure, full projectile vomit.

 

 

 

 

 

'ahhhhhhhhhhhh, sorry mum'

 

my mum was sat on the loo

[abdomlahor]

I ate a dodgy Tuna sandwich at the school canteen one afternoon during lunch hour. Halfway through the next lesson, I felt properly awful and knew I was gonna hurl eventually. My girlfriend at the time was sitting next to me and she commented on how I looked a shade of green in the face. I tried to hold it in as long as possible until I couldn't any longer and got up to ask the teacher if I could get a note to go to the toilet, as I was gonna be sick. By then though it was too late and I threw up all over my teacher's nice new dress, in front of a class of about 15.

[peterms]

Moonie

1: The bearing of ones backside in a specific direction

 

This again is one for Mr M.  The spelling really does change the meaning, dramatically.

[dont_do_it_doug.]

I ate a dodgy Tuna sandwich at the school canteen one afternoon during lunch hour. Halfway through the next lesson, I felt properly awful and knew I was gonna hurl eventually. My girlfriend at the time was sitting next to me and she commented on how I looked a shade of green in the face. I tried to hold it in as long as possible until I couldn't any longer and got up to ask the teacher if I could get a note to go to the toilet, as I was gonna be sick. By then though it was too late and I threw up all over my teacher's nice new dress, in front of a class of about 15.

How did you know the dress was new, had you been watching her? You know, "from afar"?

[abdomlahor]

I assume it was new. She always wore the same outfit every day until that day, so it's possible she may have thrown caution to the wind on the exact wrong day.

[islingtonclaret]

Pelle has reminded me (sadly) of a mildly embarrassing moment in scruffy murphy's.

 

Got battered, maybe pills involved, too much beer. Too much beer was certainly what my guts needed. Struggled to find bog, found bog (cubicles only?!) Cubiles all taken, sang a rainbow to the sink. Girl emerges from cubical.

 

"Jesus, you alright?"

"Er.....yeah. Oh. It's the ladies. Sorry"

"Um, s'alright"

"Oh no. I know you don't I? You're Laura. Who likes Hole."

"...yeah".

 

Laura, who liked Hole (as in pants band with that Courtney Love) , was a girl that was desperately trying to get off with my brother 4 years previously, and was best mates with a (sort of - teenage) ex who I was still trying to get back on friendly terms with. Never heard from them again, but did cause a bad cleanup on aisle 7.

 

No aunts, pate, female squirting/red wings etc, sorry.

DDID, are you going to the pub for the Wigan game in Canonbury? Dog loving action tales in North London would make my day.

[hogso]

On the wetting a bed front

This is something I haven't ever done, not as a child, not when pissed. Pooed myself at work once, it just came out with a fart, unexpected. But no bed weeing. PROUD.

[Voinjama]

A grown man that shit himself. WTF.

 

Absolute freaks

[hogso]

A grown man that shit himself. WTF.

Absolute freaks

Well, I was 17. A lesson well learnt, mark you. I now know what that specific sensation when a fart feels a little different is likely to lead to, and am able to take precautionary measures. ie. get on the bog sharpish.

[StefanAVFC]

Me coming into this thread

 

 

Page 3

 

 

Page 8

 

 

Rest of the thread

 

 

At the end after discovering no more brilliant stories

 

 

 

I wish I could share, but my uncle is an active member on this forum.

[maqroll]

 

my mum was sat on the loo

 

Projectile vomit only a mother could love

[leviramsey]

Yeah what's up with female ejaculation anyways? Anyone ever seen that shit in tru life? I haven't. Does it even exist for real? Maybe in those pornos I saw it was like CGI or something. Any of the girls want to give an insight?

Gotten it to happen once, or at least once where enough was expelled to be noticeable. It's definitely not piss, contrary to what the BBFC contend.

Edited May 2, 2013 by leviramsey

[leviramsey]

On the female ejaculation front, something just sprang to mind. I'll keep it as PG13 as possible.

 

Once, I was, uh, betwixt the thighs of a lovely lass performing my gentlemanly duties. I was under the quilt, so I couldn't see much, but something wasn't right, as it tasted peculiar, sort of... metallic. So I, ever the polite young man, decided not to alarm said lady and had a wee prod with my finger, paused 'for breath', and reached my hand out from under the quilt and into the light. I turned, looked at the finger and saw it stained with blood. I froze. What on earth was I supposed to do? The Kobayashi Maru test had nothing on this. I had to get out. I said I needed to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to emerge from under the quilt, however, as I was concerned my face would look like I've just rubbed it in a plate of spaghetti. So I did the honourable thing - I wiped it on the bed-sheet, and my hands on her jeans, and absconded to the bathroom, washed myself thoroughly, shuddered, composed myself and reflected on what happened.

 

I'm not sure if she discovered my Turin Shroud of lady blood, but when I returned she decided that we ought to go out for lunch.

Pussy au jus

[leviramsey]

I've also made a woman squirt. A few times actually. I'm certain it's cum, it certainly tastes the same.

Never "drank" piss though.

It's basically semen base, minus the sperm and IME a bit more watery.

G-spot/Skene gland (basically the tissue that would have developed into a prostate given the right bursts of hormones in the womb) stimulation is the most reliable way to trigger it. Doesn't always happen with that stimulation, it's as much dependent on her being really relaxed (especially to ignore a feeling that she's about to piss) and in a really comfortable/trusting place (again IME).

A well-done fingerbang is probably the best way to get the G-spot stimulation. If you're in the typical pussy-eating position with middle & ring fingers in the pink, then a palms-up come-hither motion should let you find a ridged area. Rub that, ideally with a bit of clit head stimulation (that whole area is basically the inner extension of her clit) and you've got a decent chance. Even if you don't get squirting, she will be eating out of your hand for months after that.

Of course, YMMV.