wiggyrichard Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 #23 When camping, for cooking purposes a fire must be built from scratch...never ever use a camping stove! #24 Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. #25 Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. #26 When on a coach trip for a lads day out/weekend, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. #27 When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. #28 Never tell another man he's "flying low", it's his problem! #29 Women who claim they "love watching football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to explain the offside rule. #30 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360, End of story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #30 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360, End of story. #31 and the Xbox 360 must be bought on christmas eve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #98 - Talk openly about masturbating, but never get caught. #99 - Never admit you pick your nose, try your best to not get caught. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #263 its never ok to know the words to girls aloud songs, you can watch the videos as much as you want but your telly should always be on mute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon_c Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 8, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted February 8, 2012 #001 - It is only acceptable to shag your mates sister if you have every intention of marrying her. PASS - Didn't do either. Thought about it, though. #002 - But always Joke about shagging your mates sister PASS #003 - Do not hug another man unless they have recently had someone close to them die. In that situation, make sure your hips don't touch, you slap them firmly on the back and that it does not last for more than two seconds PASS #004 Do not listen to Queen PASS #005 Asking directions makes you a weak person. PASS #006 If you are considering keeping a diary/journal instantly seek medical consultation PASS #007a ALWAYS D.I.Y. PASS #007b-eat cold curry for breakfast FAIL #008 It is only ever acceptable to put sun cream on another man if he lets you have sex with his wife/girlfriend/mum immediately after. PASS - Never done either #009-masturbate daily even if you have a missus FAIL - if "daily" is a strict rule #010a Being able to parrallel park PASS #010b - never eat a curry unless it's at least madrass hot FAIL - hate the stuff #011- if you have a bird in your bed, be sure to Dutch oven her. If you don't then she was never really in your bed FAIL - I'm a gentleman, me #015 there is no point adhering to any other man rules if you own an electric mower it must be petrol FAIL - only ever had an electric #016 if you can remember the colour of a girls eyes after the first date ..she's got small tits PASS #017- own a dog but never a cat FAIL - cats rule #018. Kill it quickly with a minimum of fuss. PASS #023 When camping, for cooking purposes a fire must be built from scratch...never ever use a camping stove! PASS #024 Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. PASS #025 Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. PASS #026 When on a coach trip for a lads day out/weekend, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. PASS #263 its never ok to know the words to girls aloud songs, you can watch the videos as much as you want but your telly should always be on mute PASS #027a When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. PASS #027b You must have a favourite, Boxer, Whiskey and Pornstar. FAIL - whisk(e)y, yes. Hate boxing. Pornstars have NAMES??? #028 Never tell another man he's "flying low", it's his problem! PASS #029 Women who claim they "love watching football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to explain the offside rule. PASS #030 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360, End of story. PASS (in my case, a book I want to read, rather than an Xbox, but I believe the priciple holds) #031 and the Xbox 360 must be bought on christmas eve PASS #035- own at least 3 films starring Clint eastwood PASS #036 But only own Bridges of Madison County, or Paint your Wagon if you own ALL films by Clint Eastwood. PASS (don't have either) #037 Don't talk in bumper stickers PASS #043 - never read the instructions, just get on with it. PASS #047 ignore any health issues until patently too late to do anything about it PASS #048 always go one mile further than last time the petrol tank said empty PASS #057 - do not look at the ingredients on a tin of "food", simply heat it up and scoff it from the can. PASS #057 - The only soap to be used is Swarfega. FAIL (but I only use plain soap - and NO **** PERFUME!!!) #074 Do not eat mayonaisse. It is French, ghey, resembles semen and just about every other sauce is superior. Your sandwich deserves better. FAIL - mayo is OK #076 You must drink a can of beer on the train, no matter how short the journey. PASS #081- washing up dishes????? FAIL - I get to play the music I like while washing up #083- always tell everyone possible when you have had a monster shit and go into as much detail as possible FAIL - boring #108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) PASS #210 Real men hunt in packs. FAIL #349 - You must watch Die Hard, Predator and Aliens at least once a year each. FAIL - never seen Die Hard or Predator, Aliens not as good as Alien #410- baked beans are to be eaten cold, straight out of the tin PASS #442 Take pride in your farts, even to the point of bragging about them. PASS #451 A poo is the most relaxing part of the day. Spend at least 30 minutes over it and don't forget some light reading. PASS **** Not a bad percentage. What's the pass mark? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 8, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 8, 2012 Keep 'em comin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonic_bouma Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #42 It is acceptable to have a bath but you must take a boat with you and engage it in play. #43 For every drop of smelling salts or lotion you must add 1 action figure to the water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #473 BBQ's are the sole territory of the male. I burn the meat. Woman f**k off and prepare the sundries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 8, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 8, 2012 Oh and swarfega is for wussies. Tufanega is more manly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 #001 - It is only acceptable to shag your mates sister if you have every intention of marrying her. PASS - Didn't do either. Thought about it, though. #002 - But always Joke about shagging your mates sister PASS #003 - Do not hug another man unless they have recently had someone close to them die. In that situation, make sure your hips don't touch, you slap them firmly on the back and that it does not last for more than two seconds PASS #004 Do not listen to Queen FAIL #005 Asking directions makes you a weak person. PASS #006 If you are considering keeping a diary/journal instantly seek medical consultation PASS #007a ALWAYS D.I.Y. PASS #007b-eat cold curry for breakfast PASS #008 It is only ever acceptable to put sun cream on another man if he lets you have sex with his wife/girlfriend/mum immediately after. PASS #009-masturbate daily even if you have a missus PASS #010a Being able to parrallel park FAIL CANT DRIVE #010b - never eat a curry unless it's at least madrass hot PASS #011- if you have a bird in your bed, be sure to Dutch oven her. If you don't then she was never really in your bed PASS #015 there is no point adhering to any other man rules if you own an electric mower it must be petrol FAIL - DONT OWN EITHER #016 if you can remember the colour of a girls eyes after the first date ..she's got small tits PASS #017- own a dog but never a cat PASS #018. Kill it quickly with a minimum of fuss. PASS #023 When camping, for cooking purposes a fire must be built from scratch...never ever use a camping stove! PASS #024 Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. PASS #025 Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. PASS #026 When on a coach trip for a lads day out/weekend, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. PASS #263 its never ok to know the words to girls aloud songs, you can watch the videos as much as you want but your telly should always be on mute PASS #027a When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. PASS #027b You must have a favourite, Boxer, Whiskey and Pornstar. PASS #028 Never tell another man he's "flying low", it's his problem! PASS #029 Women who claim they "love watching football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to explain the offside rule. PASS #030 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360, End of story. PASS #031 and the Xbox 360 must be bought on christmas eve DEFINATE PASS #035- own at least 3 films starring Clint eastwood PASS #036 But only own Bridges of Madison County, or Paint your Wagon if you own ALL films by Clint Eastwood. PASS (don't have either) #037 Don't talk in bumper stickers DONT HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS ONE IS ON ABOUT #043 - never read the instructions, just get on with it. PASS #047 ignore any health issues until patently too late to do anything about it PASS #048 always go one mile further than last time the petrol tank said empty PASS #057 - do not look at the ingredients on a tin of "food", simply heat it up and scoff it from the can. PASS #057 - The only soap to be used is Swarfega. PROBABLY A FAIL I DONT KNOW WHAT I USE I JUST GRAB WHATEVER IS TO HAND #074 Do not eat mayonaisse. It is French, ghey, resembles semen and just about every other sauce is superior. Your sandwich deserves better. PASS HATE THE STUFF #076 You must drink a can of beer on the train, no matter how short the journey. PASS #081- washing up dishes????? FAIL - #083- always tell everyone possible when you have had a monster shit and go into as much detail as possible PASS #108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) PASS #210 Real men hunt in packs. FAIL #349 - You must watch Die Hard, Predator and Aliens at least once a year each. PASS #410- baked beans are to be eaten cold, straight out of the tin FAIL HATE BEANS #442 Take pride in your farts, even to the point of bragging about them. PASS #451 A poo is the most relaxing part of the day. Spend at least 30 minutes over it and don't forget some light reading. PASS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiggyrichard Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 #228 Only in times of physical peril, may you kick another man in the balls. #229 Fighting naked is only allowed in jail. #230 Never ever drink alcopops, unless it's served by a topless barmaid...and it's free. #231 Never complain about the brand of free beer on offer, however, complain at will about the temperature. #232 Never be scared about reaching for the last beer or last slice of pizza...but not both. #233 If it bleeds it's edible. #234 All BBQ food must be consumed between two pieces of bread ie. bap/cob etc. #235 The use of cutlery at a BBQ is strictly forbidden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 8, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 8, 2012 #001 - It is only acceptable to shag your mates sister if you have every intention of marrying her. PASS #002 - But always Joke about shagging your mates sister PASS #003 - Do not hug another man unless they have recently had someone close to them die. In that situation, make sure your hips don't touch, you slap them firmly on the back and that it does not last for more than two seconds PASS #004 Do not listen to Queen PASS #005 Asking directions makes you a weak person. FAIL - I hate being lost even slightly. #006 If you are considering keeping a diary/journal instantly seek medical consultation PASS #007a ALWAYS D.I.Y. FAIL - Know your limits. I can do flatpack and painting. I can't do shelves, doors, windows etc. #007b-eat cold curry for breakfast PASS #008 It is only ever acceptable to put sun cream on another man if he lets you have sex with his wife/girlfriend/mum immediately after. PASS #009-masturbate daily even if you have a missus FAIL #010a Being able to parrallel park PASS #010b - never eat a curry unless it's at least madrass hot PASS #011- if you have a bird in your bed, be sure to Dutch oven her. If you don't then she was never really in your bed FAIL #015 there is no point adhering to any other man rules if you own an electric mower it must be petrol FAIL #016 if you can remember the colour of a girls eyes after the first date ..she's got small tits PASS #017- own a dog but never a cat PASS #018. Kill it quickly with a minimum of fuss. FAIL - Conditional pass if we're talking rats & mice. #023 When camping, for cooking purposes a fire must be built from scratch...never ever use a camping stove! I don't camp. I'm not a hippie. #024 Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. PASS #025 Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. PASS #026 When on a coach trip for a lads day out/weekend, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. PASS #263 its never ok to know the words to girls aloud songs, you can watch the videos as much as you want but your telly should always be on mute PASS #027a When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. PASS #027b You must have a favourite, Boxer, Whiskey and Pornstar. PASS #028 Never tell another man he's "flying low", it's his problem! PASS #029 Women who claim they "love watching football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to explain the offside rule. PASS #030 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360, End of story. FAIL #031 and the Xbox 360 must be bought on christmas eve FAIL - shouldn't this be 030a ? #035- own at least 3 films starring Clint eastwood FAIL - Eh, no thanks. #036 But only own Bridges of Madison County, or Paint your Wagon if you own ALL films by Clint Eastwood. PASS - I own neither #037 Don't talk in bumper stickers PASS #043 - never read the instructions, just get on with it. FAIL - OCD organisation ftw. #047 ignore any health issues until patently too late to do anything about it PASS #048 always go one mile further than last time the petrol tank said empty PASS #057 - do not look at the ingredients on a tin of "food", simply heat it up and scoff it from the can. FAIL - As I'm obsessed with the contents of anything I buy, this simply won't happen. #057 - The only soap to be used is Swarfega. FAIL - Too expensive for domestic use #074 Do not eat mayonaisse. It is French, ghey, resembles semen and just about every other sauce is superior. Your sandwich deserves better. PASS #076 You must drink a can of beer on the train, no matter how short the journey. FAIL - I probably do drink every time on a train, because I'm only ever ON a train when going on a weekend away. So a conditional pass. #081- washing up dishes????? FAIL - Well no-one else will. #083- always tell everyone possible when you have had a monster shit and go into as much detail as possible PASS #108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) PASS #210 Real men hunt in packs. PASS #349 - You must watch Die Hard, Predator and Aliens at least once a year each. FAIL - Predator yes. The others? Meh. #410- baked beans are to be eaten cold, straight out of the tin PASS #442 Take pride in your farts, even to the point of bragging about them. PASS #451 A poo is the most relaxing part of the day. Spend at least 30 minutes over it and don't forget some light reading. FAIL - 30 minutes? Poo takes 2 minutes at most. Job(bie) done. I'm comfortable with my failure rate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiggyrichard Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 #236 Unless you are in the SAS/engaging in gorrilla warfare, never under any circumstances wear face paint. In relation to rule #1 (mates sister is off limits), have we decided if sniffing her pants is a no go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) #108b when giving an example of how to address your gay friend , use a different name other than Tony for said example Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 8, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted February 8, 2012 108 It is acceptable to be friends with a gay man, but his name must always be prefixed by the word 'gay'. (ie gay Tony) #108b when giving an example of how to address your gay friend , use a different name other than Tony for said example Too late, mate. I can see you being Gay Tony on VT for some considerable time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 What's Gay Tony kicking off about now ffs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mockingbird_franklin Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Oh and swarfega is for wussies. Tufanega is more manly. nah Reinol is the tough stuff, it's a bit like dogshit with lumps of grit in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mockingbird_franklin Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 32, toenail clippings make a great chewfest 75, moisturizer, just say no, even if your hands have huge dry fissures in them that bleed and have the feel of new sheets of sandpaper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mockingbird_franklin Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 124 clothes are left were they fall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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