leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 16 hours ago, Genie said: Have you thought about exercise as an outlet for all the stress and anxiety? I’ve seen many people channel their frustration into running or gym work. Obviously the side effects are pretty good too. I did actually sign up at the gym earlier this week and went a couple of times but Ive not been for a few days now. I've thought about it but i just haven't had the brain space or energy to do so the past few days. I've heard a lot said about it being good for mental health and obviously it's good for in general. I've tried multiple times over the years but it just hasn't got me yet. On top of that I've been using a lot too which hasn't helped. I need to break this cycle of using immediately tbh, it's in no shape or form helping me and its making things worse. Im Going to attempt again tomorrow and pray I have the strength to get through a day clean and try and build from there 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 15 hours ago, lapal_fan said: So it's down to jealousy? Because your ex might be having a relationship with another person? Well yes there is jealously. I would love there not too be any of it... I literally cannot help how I feel about it though. Again I wish I could totally. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 14 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said: If I were you I’d take the positives from what you’ve written here. A better and more attractive you attracts people to you . Work on yourself and the rest will follow I promise. I do try and see positives but all I come back to is the massively longer list of negatives of myself. Im Trying to stop using first and foremost that's a real big big issue at the min. It's got to stop otherwise it's only going one way! Thanks again brother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 15 hours ago, VILLAMARV said: There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. You're not a bad person for being jealous or feeling sad about your lot. The heart wants what the heart wants, we're not in control of that. If there's anyone out there that has never experienced unrequited love then they are an incredibly lucky person. I think seeking professional help is a great idea, don't get too disheartened if you have to wait a while to access it, but be as honest as you can with the doctor, the more they feel you are in need, the quicker that access may be. Don't downplay how much it's affecting you. I know I'm the outlier when it comes to phones (coz I'm the guy who doesn't have a mobile in case you weren't aware) but put the phone down. It's the same with the rule about drunk texting people isn't it? Rarely a good idea, but if you want to have a good relationship with her, and I presume they are kids you share, she won't be impressed by going off the handle. Even if your futue relationship is going to be a platonic one - which would be great for your kids - it will benefit you in the long run if you don't unload your feelings onto her. bit of a tangent, but I mentioned the other day in a music thread about an album afriend had lent me recently and the song that really sparked my interest starts with the line It's going round my head while I'm typing this. I presume you're not a proper psychopath/sociopath and that you don't want to be a controlling partner. In which case you have to respect her wishes and, however hard that may be, you need to give her the space she is asking for. If you feel like PMing me I could talk at length about some female friends of mine who have had to deal with some proper psycho's. ou seem like a nice guy with some recreational drug issues who's going through a rough time though. But you're feeling all these emotions because you're a human, just like the rest of us. Learning to have some control over our impulses can be hard - especially for adhd sufferers and so on, it's a diverse spectrum out there, but so worth it in the long run. Good luck fella. you've got this, it's just going to take some time for that hurt to work it's way through you. You'll survive it though and come out of it. There's probably more I want to say/type but I gotta go out and meet my bro. As I said, Pm me anytime if you think it would help. Big Hugs Thank you mate, you've hit the nail on the head here a few times with your post! I mean this when I say it, I wish I didn't feel this way and letting it totally consume me the way it is at the moment.. I would do anything to make it stop and just be able to grt through a day without it dragging me, her and everybody else down. It's making me feel worse than I have already done for a long time... And I was already in a very deep dark place. Like you said.. I cannot control my feelings and thoughts, because quite simply I still love her. I have had a level of acceptance that it was over for good and this would happen one day.. but I just wasn't in a place to deal with it at the moment. That's my problem and not anything she needs to be worried or concerned about though.. things like this happen without planning etc so it is what it is unfortunately. Im Going to look into what help from professionals I can get now... Il hold my hands up and admit I don't think I will get through this alone, im not strong enough and not anywhere near being on the right track yet. I need help I really do, im suicidal... I can't see any other way out currently. I don't for one minute want that too happen, but I need saving from myself, all im doing is mentally and physically harming self each day using drugs... It's very quickly getting worse and won't be long before im in serious trouble with my life sadly. I actually thought about ditching my phone I currently have and going back to a burner tbh. Having access to so many tools, apps etc is not doing me any favours and is fuelling my brain with crap. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing at all having no phone at all tbh but I need it for kids and keeping connected with support network I have currently.. this is just about keeping me going. I want to stop all this behaviour for her sake as well as mine. She deserves a life and to be happy and we need some kind of relationship for the kids too. I have that still but this won't carry on for much longer if I carry on. I know full well i shouldn't be doing any of this shit but i just cannot stop myself in the moments of madness. Then I quickly realise im wrong and wish I hadn't said anything.... Where does it end or get too if I can't control it.. that's my worry. I am not a psychopath and never have been.. but I actually feel im turning myself into one at the moment. Im frightened and worried that if I don't go and find the help I need soon that im going to end up in trouble or worse.. dead im so **** up, im unrecognisable to who I was 2years ago or so. I just want peace within myself and for everybody else too. I can't walk out the front door without my mom and dad worrying about what the hell im doing, or what is going to be the next thing to deal with. I've totally destroyed them both too... They do not know what to do with me, im pretty much on suicide watch, they've took the lock off my door and are constantly opening it when I've closed it too make sure im ok. I feel so ashamed for dragging them at their age through this.... They are done with it now too and the next thing will probably see me turfed out. I don't blame them either. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VILLAMARV Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 2 hours ago, leighavfc said: Thank you mate, you've hit the nail on the head here a few times with your post! I mean this when I say it, I wish I didn't feel this way and letting it totally consume me the way it is at the moment.. I would do anything to make it stop and just be able to grt through a day without it dragging me, her and everybody else down. It's making me feel worse than I have already done for a long time... And I was already in a very deep dark place. Like you said.. I cannot control my feelings and thoughts, because quite simply I still love her. I have had a level of acceptance that it was over for good and this would happen one day.. but I just wasn't in a place to deal with it at the moment. That's my problem and not anything she needs to be worried or concerned about though.. things like this happen without planning etc so it is what it is unfortunately. Im Going to look into what help from professionals I can get now... Il hold my hands up and admit I don't think I will get through this alone, im not strong enough and not anywhere near being on the right track yet. I need help I really do, im suicidal... I can't see any other way out currently. I don't for one minute want that too happen, but I need saving from myself, all im doing is mentally and physically harming self each day using drugs... It's very quickly getting worse and won't be long before im in serious trouble with my life sadly. I actually thought about ditching my phone I currently have and going back to a burner tbh. Having access to so many tools, apps etc is not doing me any favours and is fuelling my brain with crap. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing at all having no phone at all tbh but I need it for kids and keeping connected with support network I have currently.. this is just about keeping me going. I want to stop all this behaviour for her sake as well as mine. She deserves a life and to be happy and we need some kind of relationship for the kids too. I have that still but this won't carry on for much longer if I carry on. I know full well i shouldn't be doing any of this shit but i just cannot stop myself in the moments of madness. Then I quickly realise im wrong and wish I hadn't said anything.... Where does it end or get too if I can't control it.. that's my worry. I am not a psychopath and never have been.. but I actually feel im turning myself into one at the moment. Im frightened and worried that if I don't go and find the help I need soon that im going to end up in trouble or worse.. dead im so **** up, im unrecognisable to who I was 2years ago or so. I just want peace within myself and for everybody else too. I can't walk out the front door without my mom and dad worrying about what the hell im doing, or what is going to be the next thing to deal with. I've totally destroyed them both too... They do not know what to do with me, im pretty much on suicide watch, they've took the lock off my door and are constantly opening it when I've closed it too make sure im ok. I feel so ashamed for dragging them at their age through this.... They are done with it now too and the next thing will probably see me turfed out. I don't blame them either. I've hit the like button there and there's plenty about your reply to like, but I just want to point out the obvious. I don't like hearing that you're feeling so down and in a dark place or any of that. But there's a lot of honesty there and that's admirable. Personally I have a lot of respect for people who can reflect on themselves and their behaviour with such honesty. Being introspective comes easily to some and is almost alien to others. I think it's a great trait myself. No one here is going to enjoy reading that you sometimes feel suicidal, but please be honest with the doctor about that, it might make a difference in being fast tracked for professional help. No one that cares is going to be critical of you about that, you're not abnormal or a failure in any way - as Ruge said to you the other day you're not a pathetic excuse of a man in any way. You're a man. Just a man. Just like the rest of us. You aint perfect, you're fallible, you're loveable, you're worthy of love. Just like the rest of us. It's always important when chatting shite on the internet with randoms to point out I'm not a councellor or a healthcare professional and no one wants to say the wrong thing when things get so bleak for people. But as some regular posters will know, one of my best friends committed suicide, leaving two lovely kids who are growing up with this massive void where their dad should be and for those of us left here, missing him every day, it makes me want to reach out to anyone going through shit like that. I can't cure your ills or solve your problems but if reaching out to people can help anyone, even in the smallest of ways, make you feel heard, listened to - anything - I'm willing to do it. Never again you know? not on my watch. If going back to a non smart phone would work for you, do it, if it doesn't work for you you can always change back. It's just a consumer choice after all, nothing more, and it can be undone. Nothing has to be forever. But I've watched other friends lose their partners over the years and what I would say about the world after facebook and all the other social media sites is that it becomes really compulsive and all consuming to 'facebook stalk' their ex's. You know, maybe it;s instagram or somewhere else, but you get my drift. And not that you're a stalker, I'm not trying to throw accusations around, but hopefully you know what I'm getting at. I think it's natural to wallow a bit when we feel miserable, but constantly checking their profiles, wondering what 'that' comment means, asking why 'that' person is messaging, playing over each reaction in our heads, questioning what that smily face means or whether there's something behind that laughing face emoji or whatever it might be is really destructive imho. I haven't enjoyed watching some of my closest friends do this when their marriages broke down or their girlfriends left them. I'm not personally convinced there's anything worthwhile about it. And those places are designed to be addictive. That's not a tin foil hat thing. those companies employ psychologists to drive engagement. They can be amazing tools - like this place - but they can be detrimental at times. Taking a step back can often be useful. And to state another thing I hope is obvious, (and I know you know this and understand what I was saying) I wasn't calling you a psychopath, it's easy to throw around labels like that, and there's nothing about your posts here that suggest so imo. Quite the contrary. You seem like a nice guy going through some shit and giving yourself a hard time while you do it. Try and be as kind to yourself as you can. Personally I'm my own worst critic. I'll always give myself a harder time than any one else could and I've had to learn over the years to reign it in. I think it's a quote attributed to Churchill but there's a saying which I heard many years ago Quote If you're going through hell, keep going! Stoical for sure. Perserverance and resilience can be great tools at times. But the point for me is that if you carry on going, you'll reach the end, come out of it on the other side. Stronger, and wiser for your experiences. You just might surprise yourself in proving to yourself just how much you CAN handle. Even when, at times, we tell ourselves we can't. But the sun can shine again. Tomorrow's another day. Good times really can be just up the road a bit. You just have to keep going to reach them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VILLAMARV Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 obligatory link to mind uk https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobzy Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 (edited) A lot to digest in those posts @leighavfc - the good thing is that, despite thinking you're being irrational, you're actually being entirely rational in many of your thoughts. Honestly... you're not going to be able to do anything about the feeling of your ex being with someone else; there's nothing that can take those feelings away apart from time. Anyone who has experienced similar (most people, I reckon - definitely me!) will be in the same boat. There's no quick fix. It sounds like both her and her sister are supportive of you and you've got your kids - focus on them. They need their Dad and they can be your joy. Outside of that, you need professional help. Find a good therapist. They're experienced and will have dealt with people going through far worse than you are (and that may seem ridiculous to you right now!). You're not worthless and you're not pathetic. You're ill and in some way grieving over what you had/what drugs have done to you. If this was a broken leg, you wouldn't keep walking around on it hoping it would heal. Seek help, take time, look after yourself and your kids. Couple it with some mood-boosting things (@Genie mentioned exercise which is a good call - go for a short run if dark thoughts are consuming you and get endorphins flowing) and remember you can do it. You're Villa in the Championship under Dr Xia at the moment - the best times are ahead. Edited September 2 by bobzy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 10 hours ago, VILLAMARV said: I've hit the like button there and there's plenty about your reply to like, but I just want to point out the obvious. I don't like hearing that you're feeling so down and in a dark place or any of that. But there's a lot of honesty there and that's admirable. Personally I have a lot of respect for people who can reflect on themselves and their behaviour with such honesty. Being introspective comes easily to some and is almost alien to others. I think it's a great trait myself. No one here is going to enjoy reading that you sometimes feel suicidal, but please be honest with the doctor about that, it might make a difference in being fast tracked for professional help. No one that cares is going to be critical of you about that, you're not abnormal or a failure in any way - as Ruge said to you the other day you're not a pathetic excuse of a man in any way. You're a man. Just a man. Just like the rest of us. You aint perfect, you're fallible, you're loveable, you're worthy of love. Just like the rest of us. It's always important when chatting shite on the internet with randoms to point out I'm not a councellor or a healthcare professional and no one wants to say the wrong thing when things get so bleak for people. But as some regular posters will know, one of my best friends committed suicide, leaving two lovely kids who are growing up with this massive void where their dad should be and for those of us left here, missing him every day, it makes me want to reach out to anyone going through shit like that. I can't cure your ills or solve your problems but if reaching out to people can help anyone, even in the smallest of ways, make you feel heard, listened to - anything - I'm willing to do it. Never again you know? not on my watch. If going back to a non smart phone would work for you, do it, if it doesn't work for you you can always change back. It's just a consumer choice after all, nothing more, and it can be undone. Nothing has to be forever. But I've watched other friends lose their partners over the years and what I would say about the world after facebook and all the other social media sites is that it becomes really compulsive and all consuming to 'facebook stalk' their ex's. You know, maybe it;s instagram or somewhere else, but you get my drift. And not that you're a stalker, I'm not trying to throw accusations around, but hopefully you know what I'm getting at. I think it's natural to wallow a bit when we feel miserable, but constantly checking their profiles, wondering what 'that' comment means, asking why 'that' person is messaging, playing over each reaction in our heads, questioning what that smily face means or whether there's something behind that laughing face emoji or whatever it might be is really destructive imho. I haven't enjoyed watching some of my closest friends do this when their marriages broke down or their girlfriends left them. I'm not personally convinced there's anything worthwhile about it. And those places are designed to be addictive. That's not a tin foil hat thing. those companies employ psychologists to drive engagement. They can be amazing tools - like this place - but they can be detrimental at times. Taking a step back can often be useful. And to state another thing I hope is obvious, (and I know you know this and understand what I was saying) I wasn't calling you a psychopath, it's easy to throw around labels like that, and there's nothing about your posts here that suggest so imo. Quite the contrary. You seem like a nice guy going through some shit and giving yourself a hard time while you do it. Try and be as kind to yourself as you can. Personally I'm my own worst critic. I'll always give myself a harder time than any one else could and I've had to learn over the years to reign it in. I think it's a quote attributed to Churchill but there's a saying which I heard many years ago Stoical for sure. Perserverance and resilience can be great tools at times. But the point for me is that if you carry on going, you'll reach the end, come out of it on the other side. Stronger, and wiser for your experiences. You just might surprise yourself in proving to yourself just how much you CAN handle. Even when, at times, we tell ourselves we can't. But the sun can shine again. Tomorrow's another day. Good times really can be just up the road a bit. You just have to keep going to reach them. Thanks again brother Appreciate your comments about being honest and open. I hid and lied about the truth for many years and covered up what was really going on thus Destroying myself and everything I once had.. eventually ending up as I am today. I have learnt over the last year or so that being open and honest and getting vulnerable talking is the only way forward and the only to get better. I try and connect as much as I can with friends inside and outside the fellowship, sometimes I find it hard too keep up but I do the best I can. I also experienced my best friend commuting suicide just after my 18th birthday and saw and felt the destruction and pain it caused us all over the years. Me and my brother took his little brother as our own and have watched him grow to an example of a good man that I could learn a lot from whilst rebuilding myself. I don't do any social media at all apart from here... That's if you would class this forum as social media but I wouldnt say so tbh. I think it's destroying the world to be honest and have done for a long time. Ive been off Facebook for around 15 years now, and il never return. Ive never had Instagram, Snapchat or any of the others. I have an X account (do I have to say formerly twitter still?) which I never post anything on and is very rarely used only for AVFC support and a couple of other things for updates. I don't see the point in it, look how many friends I apparently have or look how great my life is on screen... When in reality neither is true. If you know me and need to get hold of me you will have my number or be able to get hold of it pretty quickly. I don't need anything other than that. And just too add... This is apparently how my ex and this new guy met on Instagram and it's gone from there so that's just adds to my bitterness towards stuff like that! Im Sure there's plenty of good to come from it but I would say that imo there's more negatives. No not for one second did I think that you were saying that but I actually do feel as if Im turning myself into one over this and I am definitely not that kind of person but this situation is driving me towards that slowly! Hard to admit that but it's the truth! I am certainly like you say you are yourself and that is being your own harshest critic, I absolutely pound myself to the brink of extinction over anything which isn't good! I need to learn to love myself... I have NEVER loved myself, took compliments or any of the sort before. Im Told in the fellowship that I this is part of the process of getting better so I need put some work in here too. Thanks again buddy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 2 hours ago, bobzy said: A lot to digest in those posts @leighavfc - the good thing is that, despite thinking you're being irrational, you're actually being entirely rational in many of your thoughts. Honestly... you're not going to be able to do anything about the feeling of your ex being with someone else; there's nothing that can take those feelings away apart from time. Anyone who has experienced similar (most people, I reckon - definitely me!) will be in the same boat. There's no quick fix. It sounds like both her and her sister are supportive of you and you've got your kids - focus on them. They need their Dad and they can be your joy. Outside of that, you need professional help. Find a good therapist. They're experienced and will have dealt with people going through far worse than you are (and that may seem ridiculous to you right now!). You're not worthless and you're not pathetic. You're ill and in some way grieving over what you had/what drugs have done to you. If this was a broken leg, you wouldn't keep walking around on it hoping it would heal. Seek help, take time, look after yourself and your kids. Couple it with some mood-boosting things (@Genie mentioned exercise which is a good call - go for a short run if dark thoughts are consuming you and get endorphins flowing) and remember you can do it. You're Villa in the Championship under Dr Xia at the moment - the best times are ahead. Thanks @bobzy Yep very surprisingly I still have their support despite everything I have put them through and they still love me regardless of what's going on and still class me as part of their immediate family which is nice to be honest. For now I have to take a step back from my ex partner and have no contact with her going forward... It just has to be that way to avoid me lashing out and causing her any more problems. My eldest has a phone which if she needs me she can get through to me on that but for now it is what it is. I won't get through it being able to speak too her in anyway easily. Professional help is 100% what I need right now, my friend says he knows a therapist from within the fellowship and is going to speak too him for me and see what he can do for me. I will also look at other routes too. Im Going back to work tomorrow, I haven't been for a week and im finding that sitting at home is not doing me any good anymore, it's giving me more time to drain my brain with bad thoughts and also giving me plenty of time to use drugs. I work for the family business so can ease myself back in, without too much stress put on me. I have football coaching Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights from now on so that keeps me busy then and I will get into the gym for the nights I am free whilst doing n/a meetings, sounds a lot and it is but that's the only way im going too keep my mind from wandering and on the straight and narrow. Love the analogy of Dr X Aston Villa in the championship I am for sure that... Too add to that I will send you a cryptic emoji message for you to burts your brain over working out what it means = 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 You seem more positive today which is great to see. Not everyday will be good but that’s how it is for most of us. Positive positive positive keep it that way . Keep active on here also it will help trust me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leighavfc Posted September 2 Share Posted September 2 1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said: You seem more positive today which is great to see. Not everyday will be good but that’s how it is for most of us. Positive positive positive keep it that way . Keep active on here also it will help trust me. Cheers Ruge, actually after a horrendous night crying until 6am this morning I managed to get up about midday and slowly got myself into the day. Just went back to a meeting and surrendered to the program.. feel a lot better now. I will do this! Love to you all for the getting me last few days, I will keep sharing where relevant. May need to start my own relationship thread soon 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post leighavfc Posted September 6 Popular Post Share Posted September 6 Evening all Hope your all ok! Wanted to just post a little update to my situation. I have had a really good week, it hasn't been stress or event free but on the whole it's been a good one and im in a lot better place mentally than I have been. First of all, I have been completely abstinent from drink and drugs for over 4 days now!! Im amazed at how easy it has been so far! Don't get me wrong, the devil on my shoulder has been constantly on my case but I've been able to keep myself busy enough doing meetings, work and the gym whilst also connecting enough to stay away. I've deleted any numbers of dealers or 3rd parties who I could use to get hold of some which has helped too. Also had a assessment with Change Grow Live to get some additional support too. Really proud of what I have achieved so far.... At the same time very mindful that this is just the start of the very very long road Im going to be on. In terms of the Ex and the situation there, been a few arguments over a couple of things which weren't nice but today we both decided and agreed that we would have zero constant unless absolutely necessary over kids. In normal times we get on fairly well and will have a chat or too about stuff going on etc. As things are though I said that not speaking too her for the time being is the absolute best thing for me currently as it really has helped me not think about the current situation going on with her and the guy she is dating. Unfortunately it just the way it has too be whilst I get my head in the game and on a good path and learn to accept fully she Is moving on... I have found a bit of acceptance over it now and hoping a few more weeks or so will me past it! Tonight im off to the Gym and an N/A meeting too keep me busy tonight and then I will be climbing Pen Y Fan tomorrow with some friends in the fellowship followed by my son's football on Sunday. I'm more determined than ever to get over this dreadful addiction I have created for myself and building my life back together piece by piece. I just want to thank you all for the love, support and advice given too me over the past few days and week since i posted again about my situation. It really has been such a huge help and i genuinely believe that it has helped get me where I am today and as things stand! I thank you all and send love to you all too, i will keep posting as and when relevant too as it will help me navigate further situations too 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted September 6 Share Posted September 6 ***** brilliant to read. One day at a time or even break the days into blocks or a few hours at a time. What will be will be regarding your ex. The best you gives you the opportunity to meet someone nice or get on better with your ex etc etc . Keep up the good work and don’t let the bullshit in life make you pick up or use because you’ll be feeling horrific again. Keep in touch . God bless you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Rugeley Villa Posted September 6 Popular Post Share Posted September 6 Oh yeah just one other thing . Don’t fall down the ***** like I fell down snowdon the other week with my AA mates 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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