Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[leighavfc]

Hello again all..

Well my biggest fear came true bank holiday Monday... I found out my ex had been out on a date. Somebody I know sent me a social media post a friend of hers had reposted from my ex's page about the date... Im devastated to be honest..... When I found out I fired off a few shots at her which in turn her friend phoned me screaming and shouting down the phone at me calling me all sorts of stuff.

I ended up going on a massive bender throughout the night and ended up being picked up by the police walking the streets at 4am in a right state. They took me too hospital too have me checked over... fortunately I was ok and discharged later that day. In the days since I've been hitting the bottle and drugs hard... Im In such a bad way, I just don't know where this is going to end up.

I just can't do this anymore.... I've tried and tried and tried to get better but ultimately I've failed every time I've tried. Im a pathetic excuse of a man, dad and human being. I have so many issues and problems I just don't think I've got it in me to get through it. This situation has really amplified my problems 10 fold... It's not my ex's fault she's free to do as she pleases... It's all my fault ultimately.

I need help, I've tried to get the help I need but I just haven't found the way.

 

Take care all

[Rugeley Villa]

You’re not a pathetic excuse of a man.  Try and get some rest. Acceptance is key . You can get through this

[leighavfc]

30 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

You’re not a pathetic excuse of a man.  Try and get some rest. Acceptance is key . You can get through this

Im trying Ruge, you know the struggles I've had with addiction in particular. I really hope I can get through this, im in a mess  

[Rugeley Villa]

1 hour ago, leighavfc said:

Im trying Ruge, you know the struggles I've had with addiction in particular. I really hope I can get through this, im in a mess  

You can get through this mate. I know it’s hard but you need to flip the coin and make those changes that will make your days just that little bit easier . Shit days will always happen but they are a lot easier to handle when you’re clean and sober .  There’s people that care about you , on here included . Accept the things you cannot change and gain the courage to change the things you can

[VILLAMARV]

Small steps and achievable targets mate, it might sound like nonsense, but just try and focus on getting through the day. Tomorrow's another day.

We've developed these coping mechanisms over the course of our lives and up until now they've worked to an extent - proved by the fact that you/we are still here. It's hard to make sweeping changes when some of the things we want to change are the very things that have become crutches to lean on to support us through hard times. But try not to beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself for slipping. Be kind to yourself.

I'll wager everyone reading your posts is rooting for you, even if they don't know which emoticon reaction button to press in support. Keep posting. Big hugs.

[leighavfc]

15 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

You can get through this mate. I know it’s hard but you need to flip the coin and make those changes that will make your days just that little bit easier . Shit days will always happen but they are a lot easier to handle when you’re clean and sober .  There’s people that care about you , on here included . Accept the things you cannot change and gain the courage to change the things you can

Thanks Ruge, you've been supporting me on the forum and in PM's for a long while now and I really appreciate it... I really really do.. I wish I knew you to shake your and give you a hug for the love you have shown me

Your absolutely right and I know this too... I keep telling myself it will pass and things will eventually get better. It feels like when I start getting stable, something else comes to smash it all up again.. that's the life of addict I guess unfortunately.

I've felt slightly better today but it's still bothering me in the back of my mind constantly. My mom and dad have my kids this weekend and my mind is wandering wildly If she's going to be with him etc... in my own worst nightmare unfortunately and I've got to stop it. She's free to do as she pleases with who she pleases and there is nothing I can do about that....

[leighavfc]

12 hours ago, VILLAMARV said:

Small steps and achievable targets mate, it might sound like nonsense, but just try and focus on getting through the day. Tomorrow's another day.

We've developed these coping mechanisms over the course of our lives and up until now they've worked to an extent - proved by the fact that you/we are still here. It's hard to make sweeping changes when some of the things we want to change are the very things that have become crutches to lean on to support us through hard times. But try not to beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself for slipping. Be kind to yourself.

I'll wager everyone reading your posts is rooting for you, even if they don't know which emoticon reaction button to press in support. Keep posting. Big hugs.

Thanks mate

You are completely correct... Just For Today

I forget that a lot tbh! Somebody in the fellowship even said too me break it down into hourly sections or even 10 minutes sections and see if you can get through that way.

I don't beat myself up too much about the slipups these days... I wish they didn't happen of course but I also realise that I know/known no different in my life so it's going to be a long process to be able to deal with things a different way.

Thank you for your support and everybody else who has replied pm etc. I feel guilty about posting on here when Im in a state again and only use it for that purpose. I apologise for that but I read this place a hell of a lot and there is lots of good advice, opinions and pointers on a variety of subjects and issues.

[Brumstopdogs]

Good luck @leighavfc you've got this and your Villa brothers (and sisters) are here to support you

[VILLAMARV]

Glad to hear you're having a better day @leighavfc, I wouldn't apologise for downloading stuff here. No one is forced to read your posts or respond. But I'm sure the vast majority of us here have been through grim, dark days and our own struggles. A problem shared and all that.

[leighavfc]

3 hours ago, Brumstopdogs said:

Good luck @leighavfc you've got this and your Villa brothers (and sisters) are here to support you

Thanks man, really need any support I can get right now  

[leighavfc]

2 hours ago, VILLAMARV said:

Glad to hear you're having a better day @leighavfc, I wouldn't apologise for downloading stuff here. No one is forced to read your posts or respond. But I'm sure the vast majority of us here have been through grim, dark days and our own struggles. A problem shared and all that.

Yeah your right, I appreciate all the replies and support, advice etc I really do. Anything that's going to help me through.

I've got some gloomy days too get through yet I think. Im Trying that's the main thing.

Struggling to sleep again tonight, thoughts rolling around my head constantly

[Rich192]

Stay strong @leighavfc  Everyone here is with you. Take it one day at a time, and lean on friends as much as you need to get through this moment. It will pass though. You got this. 

[leighavfc]

Evening all

Im sorry for another post, il try not to make them a daily thing! Had a fairly rough day TBH, I've been driving myself insane all day and winding myself up creating situations in my head and then going with them as if they are facts.... I hate it so much.. it's so wrong and i wish I knew how to stop it.. I really do. Im making it a million times worse for myself when I need to be trying to get my head round it.

I just don't know how too stop it, doesn't matter how busy or what im doing it just won't stop swirling around my head. I expect that too an extent but im out of control totally with it. Eventually after hours of it going round my mind I messaged her to try and gauge what she was upto suspecting she was with the guy she dated.... I made up that I couldn't find my son's boots and shin pads... I mean it's so so wrong but this is what im doing to myself.... It's only after I come down a bit I realise what I've done. In that moment, I know deep down it's wrong but I just cannot stop myself from doing it. It's so bad  

She got back too me and said they were in their bag... And then off I went questioning her. She rightly so batted it away and said it's none of my business and to focus on me and the kids etc. later on she asked me too call her for a chat, and we did start to have a good honest chat on the phone about things. She had a takeaway arrive and went to the answer the door, as that happened a private number phoned me.... I answered... It was her sister.

Unbelievably after everything I've put them all through, we had a good chat about things for an hour or 2 and agreed to carry it on another time as it was late. Meanwhile my ex said we would continue our convo another time as she was going to bed.

Turns out she was with her sister today.... This is what im doing to myself... Im torturing myself... It's disgusting, shocking and very worrying at the same time. It really needs to stop for her sake first and foremost and then my own. They give me chance after chance and constantly be kind and reasonable and im constantly doing this shit to them.

I genuinely just don't know how to stop it from happening in those moments, I have zero control.. that's no excuse for it happening but I really need to find a way of dealing with it and controlling it because its such bad, weird and worrying behaviour.

I just want peace for us all.. I really do mean that too. I desperately need and want to find out how to make that happen. Im going to see what options I have tomorrow, counselling, therapy... Absolutely anything that may help!! Please make any suggestions if you have any too

Love to you all

 

[tinker]

On 30/08/2024 at 22:03, leighavfc said:

I forget that a lot tbh! Somebody in the fellowship even said too me break it down into hourly sections or even 10 minutes sections and see if you can get through that way.

This is good advice, celebrate each 10 minutes as a victory for getting back on your feet, tell yourself once you do you will start to get the life you want. Plan that life, the holidays,  the cars, houses and friends you will have once you have enough of those 10 minute victories under you belt.

Go and see your GP,  if you already haven't, they can help with prescription drugs, if your on your knees they make a difference and take the edge off your emotions. Good luck,  you can do it, love yourself.

[Genie]

10 hours ago, leighavfc said:

Evening all

Im sorry for another post, il try not to make them a daily thing! Had a fairly rough day TBH, I've been driving myself insane all day and winding myself up creating situations in my head and then going with them as if they are facts.... I hate it so much.. it's so wrong and i wish I knew how to stop it.. I really do. Im making it a million times worse for myself when I need to be trying to get my head round it.

I just don't know how too stop it, doesn't matter how busy or what im doing it just won't stop swirling around my head. I expect that too an extent but im out of control totally with it. Eventually after hours of it going round my mind I messaged her to try and gauge what she was upto suspecting she was with the guy she dated.... I made up that I couldn't find my son's boots and shin pads... I mean it's so so wrong but this is what im doing to myself.... It's only after I come down a bit I realise what I've done. In that moment, I know deep down it's wrong but I just cannot stop myself from doing it. It's so bad  

She got back too me and said they were in their bag... And then off I went questioning her. She rightly so batted it away and said it's none of my business and to focus on me and the kids etc. later on she asked me too call her for a chat, and we did start to have a good honest chat on the phone about things. She had a takeaway arrive and went to the answer the door, as that happened a private number phoned me.... I answered... It was her sister.

Unbelievably after everything I've put them all through, we had a good chat about things for an hour or 2 and agreed to carry it on another time as it was late. Meanwhile my ex said we would continue our convo another time as she was going to bed.

Turns out she was with her sister today.... This is what im doing to myself... Im torturing myself... It's disgusting, shocking and very worrying at the same time. It really needs to stop for her sake first and foremost and then my own. They give me chance after chance and constantly be kind and reasonable and im constantly doing this shit to them.

I genuinely just don't know how to stop it from happening in those moments, I have zero control.. that's no excuse for it happening but I really need to find a way of dealing with it and controlling it because its such bad, weird and worrying behaviour.

I just want peace for us all.. I really do mean that too. I desperately need and want to find out how to make that happen. Im going to see what options I have tomorrow, counselling, therapy... Absolutely anything that may help!! Please make any suggestions if you have any too

Love to you all

 

Have you thought about exercise as an outlet for all the stress and anxiety? I’ve seen many people channel their frustration into running or gym work. Obviously the side effects are pretty good too.

Edited September 1 by Genie

[lapal_fan]

So it's down to jealousy?  Because your ex might be having a relationship with another person?

[Rugeley Villa]

45 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

So it's down to jealousy?  Because your ex might be having a relationship with another person?

I wouldn’t say it’s just jealousy . That’s one of the symptoms he has from his illness of the mind body and soul . 

[Rugeley Villa]

10 hours ago, leighavfc said:

Evening all

Im sorry for another post, il try not to make them a daily thing! Had a fairly rough day TBH, I've been driving myself insane all day and winding myself up creating situations in my head and then going with them as if they are facts.... I hate it so much.. it's so wrong and i wish I knew how to stop it.. I really do. Im making it a million times worse for myself when I need to be trying to get my head round it.

I just don't know how too stop it, doesn't matter how busy or what im doing it just won't stop swirling around my head. I expect that too an extent but im out of control totally with it. Eventually after hours of it going round my mind I messaged her to try and gauge what she was upto suspecting she was with the guy she dated.... I made up that I couldn't find my son's boots and shin pads... I mean it's so so wrong but this is what im doing to myself.... It's only after I come down a bit I realise what I've done. In that moment, I know deep down it's wrong but I just cannot stop myself from doing it. It's so bad  

She got back too me and said they were in their bag... And then off I went questioning her. She rightly so batted it away and said it's none of my business and to focus on me and the kids etc. later on she asked me too call her for a chat, and we did start to have a good honest chat on the phone about things. She had a takeaway arrive and went to the answer the door, as that happened a private number phoned me.... I answered... It was her sister.

Unbelievably after everything I've put them all through, we had a good chat about things for an hour or 2 and agreed to carry it on another time as it was late. Meanwhile my ex said we would continue our convo another time as she was going to bed.

Turns out she was with her sister today.... This is what im doing to myself... Im torturing myself... It's disgusting, shocking and very worrying at the same time. It really needs to stop for her sake first and foremost and then my own. They give me chance after chance and constantly be kind and reasonable and im constantly doing this shit to them.

I genuinely just don't know how to stop it from happening in those moments, I have zero control.. that's no excuse for it happening but I really need to find a way of dealing with it and controlling it because its such bad, weird and worrying behaviour.

I just want peace for us all.. I really do mean that too. I desperately need and want to find out how to make that happen. Im going to see what options I have tomorrow, counselling, therapy... Absolutely anything that may help!! Please make any suggestions if you have any too

Love to you all

 

If I were you I’d take the positives from what you’ve written here. A better and more attractive you attracts people to you . Work on yourself and the rest will follow I promise. 

[VILLAMARV]

There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. You're not a bad person for being jealous or feeling sad about your lot. The heart wants what the heart wants, we're not in control of that. If there's anyone out there that has never experienced unrequited love then they are an incredibly lucky person.

I think seeking professional help is a great idea, don't get too disheartened if you have to wait a while to access it, but be as honest as you can with the doctor, the more they feel you are in need, the quicker that access may be. Don't downplay how much it's affecting you.

I know I'm the outlier when it comes to phones (coz I'm the guy who doesn't have a mobile in case you weren't aware) but put the phone down. It's the same with the rule about drunk texting people isn't it? Rarely a good idea, but if you want to have a good relationship with her, and I presume they are kids you share, she won't be impressed by going off the handle. Even if your futue relationship is going to be a platonic one - which would be great for your kids - it will benefit you in the long run if you don't unload your feelings onto her.

bit of a tangent, but I mentioned the other day in a music thread about an album afriend had lent me recently and the song that really sparked my interest starts with the line

Quote

Maybe you're right.
Or maybe you're wrong.
But I aint gonna argue with you no more
I've done it for too long

It's going round my head while I'm typing this.

I presume you're not a proper psychopath/sociopath and that you don't want to be a controlling partner. In which case you have to respect her wishes and, however hard that may be, you need to give her the space she is asking for. If you feel like PMing me I could talk at length about some female friends of mine who have had to deal with some proper psycho's. ou seem like a nice guy with some recreational drug issues who's going through a rough time though.

But you're feeling all these emotions because you're a human, just like the rest of us. Learning to have some control over our impulses can be hard - especially for adhd sufferers and so on, it's a diverse spectrum out there, but so worth it in the long run.

Good luck fella. you've got this, it's just going to take some time for that hurt to work it's way through you. You'll survive it though and come out of it. There's probably more I want to say/type but I gotta go out and meet my bro. As I said, Pm me anytime if you think it would help. Big Hugs

[leighavfc]

17 hours ago, tinker said:

This is good advice, celebrate each 10 minutes as a victory for getting back on your feet, tell yourself once you do you will start to get the life you want. Plan that life, the holidays,  the cars, houses and friends you will have once you have enough of those 10 minute victories under you belt.

Go and see your GP,  if you already haven't, they can help with prescription drugs, if your on your knees they make a difference and take the edge off your emotions. Good luck,  you can do it, love yourself.

I agree, I thought it was great advice and can be used for lots of different circumstances too! I need to try and use it going forward myself instead of talking about it. Thats for my substance problems and I will use it for the situation I have with my ex partner and see if I can block it out for little periods of time and then step it up if I can make it work.

I've been to the GP and mental health team which prescribed me Mirtazapine. It's helped a little with my sleep but im struggling with it working as it did currently. Im Going to have a chat with them about upping the dosage or seeing what else they can do for me.

Thanks for the support, love to you