Rugeley Villa Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 (edited) 26 minutes ago, delboy54 said: Wow, that's awful to hear. Is there any professional advice or counselling you and the wife could look for? You will always have lots of support from everyone here on VT, but you also need additional support. Maybe there are others on here that know where you can go and find it. It’s hard man but I’m trying to stay positive. Had holiday booked for wales this week which we went on purely for the kids but it’s put me in more debt. Trying to hide it from the kids they don’t need to know . Got another holiday booked in September but don’t know if I can do it . The holiday we’ve just had just wasn’t the same . It will take time but just can’t get a clean break at the moment . My lad also goes away with his mates family next week too which has been planned for bit so that’s more cost, I can’t have him not going. Life isn’t cheap at the best of times. Mentally we are both suffering, I find if I’m not at work my head goes around lunchtime and I have to go and have a sleep just to rest my head. There’s people far worse off though . Touch wood we remain healthy , that’s priceless but yeah it hurts not being able to do things I want to do for kids which I normally would like buying new shirt when it came out. Going games are off the agenda too at moment. What a bitch eh, but I allowed her to have control over the money because I didn’t want the stress of it. Lesson learned in that aspect and I now have full control of finances. Edited August 9 by Rugeley Villa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomav84 Posted August 9 VT Supporter Share Posted August 9 57 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said: To cut a long story short I found out a couple of months back that my wife had gambled away all the money in the savings account which included our inheritance from my grandparents. Emptied my stocks and shares ISA and emptied my SIPP along with running our normal bank account down to -3500 by extending by overdraft from 2k to 3500. Add to that the previous debt in my name she ran up over 12 months ago(10k) . Talking best part of 100k gone . Now living week to week and struggling financially after being comfortable, some weeks we haven’t got enough to get by so have to borrow money. I ended up relapsing when I found out. I had my suspicions but didn’t realise how bad things were. Found out full extent on way home from work one Thursday so nearest pub it was which ended up me having week off work on the piss one day lay on sofa recovering next etc etc. Things are tough mentally. For the life of me I don’t know why I’m with her still. Well I do, and it’s because I don’t want to live apart from my kids and want to somehow work it out. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and luck for things to repair but god willing it will. It could be worse. Good days bad days. I think that’s it .The End . it's because she has an illness mate and you stick by your loved ones when they're ill. there's a great book called mite bite all about a guy who had severe gambling addiction which ended up on a train station platform ready to take his life and it's really worth a read to get into the head of a gambling addict and realise it's not their fault (in spite of how angry i'm sure you are with her). i've dabbled in most substances one could dabble in but i can honestly say gambling is the most addictive of them all. it's at your fingertips the whole time. your online banking, the online bookies and casinos. it's not like an alcohol addiction where you need to physically move to fuel it (coupled with it having physical effects that people around you would notice) you can dust off thousands whilst taking a shite. as you say, aside from suspisions, you didn't even know about it. i came close, but it nearly took me and the first time i dipped into my savings was where i thought to myself "wtf am i doing". with the seriousness of her habit though, she needs proper help. she's going to struggle to get through it without it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 (edited) Wow, Ruge, don't know what to say! Really feel for you. I know gambling is an addiction, but there is no way I would even want to look at anyone who had spunked our live savings away. I don't think I could ever forgive someone for that. Edited August 9 by Xela 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said: To cut a long story short I found out a couple of months back that my wife had gambled away all the money in the savings account which included our inheritance from my grandparents. Emptied my stocks and shares ISA and emptied my SIPP along with running our normal bank account down to -3500 by extending by overdraft from 2k to 3500. Add to that the previous debt in my name she ran up over 12 months ago(10k) . Talking best part of 100k gone . Now living week to week and struggling financially after being comfortable, some weeks we haven’t got enough to get by so have to borrow money. I ended up relapsing when I found out. I had my suspicions but didn’t realise how bad things were. Found out full extent on way home from work one Thursday so nearest pub it was which ended up me having week off work on the piss one day lay on sofa recovering next etc etc. Things are tough mentally. For the life of me I don’t know why I’m with her still. Well I do, and it’s because I don’t want to live apart from my kids and want to somehow work it out. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and luck for things to repair but god willing it will. It could be worse. Good days bad days. I think that’s it .The End . So sorry to read this mate. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to manage it all mentally. From what you’ve shared over the years I do wonder if a lot of the problems you have are because of your wife and whilst it would be immensely difficult to not see the kids every day leaving her might have to be a serious consideration. You may still get full custody too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 7 hours ago, Genie said: So sorry to read this mate. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to manage it all mentally. From what you’ve shared over the years I do wonder if a lot of the problems you have are because of your wife and whilst it would be immensely difficult to not see the kids every day leaving her might have to be a serious consideration. You may still get full custody too. Yeah it’s been rocky . Both contributed to it but I like to think we are survivors. She’s got her issues but she’s a good mum although has made an almighty **** up which has impacted the kids which bothers me the most. I wouldn’t want full custody if we were to split up mate it wouldn’t have to come to that. For how much of a clearing in the woods I can be I’m a very forgiving person, maybe too forgiving at times. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delboy54 Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said: Yeah it’s been rocky . Both contributed to it but I like to think we are survivors. She’s got her issues but she’s a good mum although has made an almighty **** up which has impacted the kids which bothers me the most. I wouldn’t want full custody if we were to split up mate it wouldn’t have to come to that. For how much of a clearing in the woods I can be I’m a very forgiving person, maybe too forgiving at times. You are a star! You didn't deserve what happened to you. Stay strong, its the kids that are important. You will get through this with the right support. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bobzy Posted August 10 Popular Post Share Posted August 10 @Rugeley Villa sorry to hear all that. You’ve eluded to other things etc, but gambling is a really nasty addiction to have. If your missus wants to get over it, she’s going to need professional help. In the meantime, look at getting her to sign up to Gamstop (https://www.gamstop.co.uk). It’ll block any access to (pretty much all) gambling sites for a set amount of time (1 year, 2 years or 5 years I think). The other important thing there is for you to set the password so the missus can’t get in and “unblock” herself. There’s also some software you can get that blocks your phone from even seeing gambling-related things (might be called Gamban?). They’ll at least stop things from escalating any further. As @tomav84 says, she’s got an illness and it won’t just go away like magic. It needs help. Good luck to you both. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Yeah she’s stopped herself from gambling now using Gamstop . Her poison was those bloody slots not footy or horses . I like a flutter but I keep it fun and don’t bother with slots. I’ve altered all passwords regarding accounts. She says she doesn’t need help now she’s been denied access to everything which I think is utter crap . She’s also said her ADHD was a contributing factor to what happened which I’ve told her is bollocks too, but is that me just being angry? Is there a link ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Davkaus Posted August 10 Popular Post Share Posted August 10 27 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said: She says she doesn’t need help now she’s been denied access to everything which I think is utter crap . I'd absolutely put my foot down on this It won't be too long before the self exclusion period ends and she can just phone up and ask for it to be removed, there are also plenty of ways to gamble online that aren't affected by Gamstop, and there's obviously nothing to stop her walking into a bookies or a casino It's worth using Gamstop, but it's a temporary impediment, not a cure for addiction. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 43 minutes ago, Davkaus said: I'd absolutely put my foot down on this It won't be too long before the self exclusion period ends and she can just phone up and ask for it to be removed, there are also plenty of ways to gamble online that aren't affected by Gamstop, and there's obviously nothing to stop her walking into a bookies or a casino It's worth using Gamstop, but it's a temporary impediment, not a cure for addiction. Exactly mate . Just papering over the cracks. An addict has to do more than just stop drinking/drugging or gambling, you have to work on yourself . 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomav84 Posted August 10 VT Supporter Share Posted August 10 1 hour ago, Davkaus said: I'd absolutely put my foot down on this It won't be too long before the self exclusion period ends and she can just phone up and ask for it to be removed, there are also plenty of ways to gamble online that aren't affected by Gamstop, and there's obviously nothing to stop her walking into a bookies or a casino It's worth using Gamstop, but it's a temporary impediment, not a cure for addiction. yep. setting up new emails, new accounts etc etc @Rugeley Villa i guarantee she's still got the urge to gamble and not being able to will be driving her crazy right now. she'll be thinking of the money lost but only in the sense of working out how she can win it back. she needs to fix that 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 13 hours ago, Xela said: Wow, Ruge, don't know what to say! Really feel for you. I know gambling is an addiction, but there is no way I would even want to look at anyone who had spunked our live savings away. I don't think I could ever forgive someone for that. Same, I’d probably try to murder her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 2 hours ago, rjw63 said: Same, I’d probably try to murder her **** that no bitch is worth doing time for. I did think about murdering myself for a few days whilst trying to drink away the problem but I’m still here. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 7 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said: **** that no bitch is worth doing time for. I did think about murdering myself for a few days whilst trying to drink away the problem but I’m still here. This was what I was getting at in my previous post, whilst the downside of walking away will be the pain of not seeing the kids every day it might save your sanity and maybe even your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 2 hours ago, Genie said: This was what I was getting at in my previous post, whilst the downside of walking away will be the pain of not seeing the kids every day it might save your sanity and maybe even your life. Time will tell . I may get further down the road and think I can’t do this anymore. She does know that it’s not set in stone . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 I've mentioned that I came out of an abusive relationship, in that time my sister's friend started asking about me, I've known her myself for 22 years, never really knew much about her though. We started hanging out and suddenly find we have a lot in common, for example she was looking at a poster and said "oh a Capricorn like me" and I said "wait you're a Capricorn too?". And the meet ups have become something we both enjoy, and I'm definitely looking at her differently. She's told me she's always had a soft spot for me. I just didn't want a relationship or anything, I am in a rebuilding phase, but the more we see each other the more what ifs come into my head. What shall I do? (DHUTW, KENNETH etc) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 4 minutes ago, Dodgyknees said: I've mentioned that I came out of an abusive relationship, in that time my sister's friend started asking about me, I've known her myself for 22 years, never really knew much about her though. We started hanging out and suddenly find we have a lot in common, for example she was looking at a poster and said "oh a Capricorn like me" and I said "wait you're a Capricorn too?". And the meet ups have become something we both enjoy, and I'm definitely looking at her differently. She's told me she's always had a soft spot for me. I just didn't want a relationship or anything, I am in a rebuilding phase, but the more we see each other the more what ifs come into my head. What shall I do? (DHUTW, KENNETH etc) See more of each other. No rush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolta Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 6 minutes ago, Dodgyknees said: I've mentioned that I came out of an abusive relationship, in that time my sister's friend started asking about me, I've known her myself for 22 years, never really knew much about her though. We started hanging out and suddenly find we have a lot in common, for example she was looking at a poster and said "oh a Capricorn like me" and I said "wait you're a Capricorn too?". And the meet ups have become something we both enjoy, and I'm definitely looking at her differently. She's told me she's always had a soft spot for me. I just didn't want a relationship or anything, I am in a rebuilding phase, but the more we see each other the more what ifs come into my head. What shall I do? (DHUTW, KENNETH etc) Yeah go with the flow. I started seeing someone again before I would have chosen, but I don't regret it. It's difficult to time anything perfectly, and if it works it works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 20 minutes ago, Dodgyknees said: I've mentioned that I came out of an abusive relationship, in that time my sister's friend started asking about me, I've known her myself for 22 years, never really knew much about her though. We started hanging out and suddenly find we have a lot in common, for example she was looking at a poster and said "oh a Capricorn like me" and I said "wait you're a Capricorn too?". And the meet ups have become something we both enjoy, and I'm definitely looking at her differently. She's told me she's always had a soft spot for me. I just didn't want a relationship or anything, I am in a rebuilding phase, but the more we see each other the more what ifs come into my head. What shall I do? (DHUTW, KENNETH etc) Be open and honest about where you are mentally and keep seeing her if you both like each others company. Take your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_Dogg Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 2 hours ago, Dodgyknees said: I've mentioned that I came out of an abusive relationship, in that time my sister's friend started asking about me, I've known her myself for 22 years, never really knew much about her though. We started hanging out and suddenly find we have a lot in common, for example she was looking at a poster and said "oh a Capricorn like me" and I said "wait you're a Capricorn too?". And the meet ups have become something we both enjoy, and I'm definitely looking at her differently. She's told me she's always had a soft spot for me. I just didn't want a relationship or anything, I am in a rebuilding phase, but the more we see each other the more what ifs come into my head. What shall I do? (DHUTW, KENNETH etc) See what happens. Just don't place anything in the fact you are born within 30 days of her birthday. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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