Stories of the smooth-brained

[Mandy Lifeboats]

Mrs Lifeboats was taking her car for service.  The dealer is only 2 minutes walk away.  I told her to stop being lazy and walk instead.  She got to the bottom of the street before realising the problem. 

Later the same day.....

She got the phone call to say her car was ready.  I again suggested she walk over to the dealer.  Her response was........

"I'm not falling for that again!"

[one_ian_taylor]

10 hours ago, Hobsons Choice said:

Some bloke did a youtube video once where he made an entire meal in a hotel room just using the kettle (noodles cooked in the kettle) and iron (bacon). I'm not sure he will have got his deposit back. 

I reckon I could slow cook meat, eggs and fish in my hot compost  bin at the moment (no euphemism)

[Mandy Lifeboats]

I was attending the youth court in a professional capacity. 

Little Johnny was being represented by dad.  Dad was confident that his son was innocent. 

Youth courts are less formal than adult courts and normally begin with everyone explaining who they are in plain language.  

"I'm Johnny's dad and I'm here to prove my son hasn't done anything wrong."

"I'm Johnny.  I am the one that stole the bike."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny's dad stares very hard at Johnny. 

 

 

[sharkyvilla]

Think I've told this one before about the school camping trip, two of the thick kids got their tents flooded and had to spend the night with us in ours.  Next day one of them needed a shit and wasn't sure what to do, I said take the trowel, find a quiet spot and do your business.  Thought nothing of it until 10 minutes later when he came back with his turd on the shovel and asked 'now what do it do with it?'.

[supermon]

So I was on the bus one day minding my own business, and noticed opposite me a pretty girl was staring at me. Suffice to say this got me thinking, "do I have some boogies on my nose or damn boi she checking you out." 

Admittedly the latter doesn't happen on many occasions. I think nothing of it, why would she look at me? But you know you got to check to be sure, alas, she looks at me again and has a smirk.

At this point I'm getting gassed, I'm like ok ok that's how you want to play. Being a fool I obviously play hard to get and still avoid eye contact but inside ready to tell the boys of this incident. I then look down and realize my frickin flies are undone, like seriously undone. Got off as though my stop was next and slumped into utter embarrassment!!

[T-Dog]

My old lodger, lovely kid, not a bad bone in his body. Thick as mince.

He thought north meant 'up' - so regardless of where he was, if there was a hill in front of him, the top of the hill was North. When he was at the top of the hill, everything below him was south, regardless of which direction he was looking in.

The same lad decided he wanted to smoke on the cable car thing at Alton Towers, but didn't wanna upset everyone else with his smoke, so decided he was going to try and open the doors mid air.

[Mandy Lifeboats]

Mr Smith was in court because it was suspected that he'd travelled abroad against the order of the court. 

He had a nice tan.  

"If we get the CCTV from the airport on that day, will you be on it?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely.  We got the ferry."

[ferguson1]

Couple of funny office stories from twenty odd years ago - 

We were tasked with writing/sending a standard information letter to every MP in the country and thankfully at the time we had a couple of work experience youths in doing bits and bobs.  We’ll do the letters and the work experience pair can envelope them up for posting.  Now some MP’s had Right Honourable titles but on the letters we addressed them as …Rt Hon whoever ….. 

At the end of the day one of the work experience lads came up to me and said who are all these Chinese people we’re writing to?  At first I didn’t understand what he meant and then he said Rt Hon is Chinese isn’t it? Bless him.

Second story was letters had to be bagged and posted each day to our CEO for signature and then returned overnight for us to post out the next day. Now these bags/pouches had a clip to seal them and that’s how they should be returned to us from TNT Courier.  However, one morning the bag came back but no clip meaning it was open? My manager (female) and very straight/well spoken said to me this bag is wet inside? Can’t be I said? She started pulling out the letters from out the bag and after a few seconds turned round to me and said “I think it’s cum”.  I didn’t quite believe my ears and not words I ever expected her to ever say!  Suffice to say everything was taken away by the police but we never found out if the fluid was ever indeed man juice.  Happy times in the office.

Edited August 15 by ferguson1

[sne]

Couple years ago I worked in a kitchen with a chef that was prepping onions for burgers using a mandolin to slice them. He couldn't find that plastic accessory you use so to not cut your fingertips off so instead he used a wine glass to hold the onions in place.

[sidcow]

4 minutes ago, ferguson1 said:

Couple of funny office stories from twenty odd years ago - 

We were tasked with writing/sending a standard information letter to every MP in the country and thankfully at the time we had a couple of work experience youths in doing bits and bobs.  We’ll do the letters and the work experience pair can envelope them up for posting.  Now some MP’s had Right Honourable titles but on the letters we addressed them as …Rt Hon whoever ….. 

At the end of the day one of the work experience lads came up to me and said who are all these Chinese people we’re writing to?  At first I didn’t understand what he meant and then he said Rt Hon is Chinese isn’t it? Bless him.

Second story was letters had to be bagged and posted each day to our CEO for signature and then returned overnight for us to post out the next day. Now these bags/pouches had a clip to seal them and that’s how they should be returned to us from TNT Courier.  However, one morning the bag came back but no clip meaning it was open? My manager (female) and very straight/well spoken said to me this bag is wet inside? Can’t be I said? She started pulling out the letters from out the bag and after a few seconds turned round to me and said “Jon, I think it’s cum”.  I didn’t quite believe my ears and not words I ever expected her to ever say!  Suffice to say everything was taken away by the police but we never found out if the fluid was ever indeed man juice.  Happy times in the office.

Should have asked her how she knew?  How much experience she had of handling it.  Would have been a right giggle.

[ferguson1]

Do you believe in ghosts was the discussion in the office many years ago. Usual chatter that some of us do and some of us don’t. Young girl in the office turned around and said “ I believe in ghosts and have seen a ghost elf a few times”.

I said to her how do you know it was a ghost elf and not just an alive elf?  She replied “it always has a warm glow around him”.

No further questions or proof required then. 

[Chindie]

In a prior job I was in an office with lots of different teams doing slightly different roles. One of those teams would regularly have someone visit a cupboard around the edge of the office every now and then to grab document packs and fancy branded paper and the like. Every couple of hours or so someone would get up, go over to the cupboards, open it up, grab a stack of bits, and go back to their desks, all day, every day. As a result it was often the thing that the new guys got, because it's really easy and **** annoying. 

On one particularly boring day, I glanced up and noticed the new girl on the team get up. It's been tipped off that this new girl wasn't... sharp. The kind of person that has floated through life without ever having to really commit to much, the kind of person for whom a task never required you to really think, just do. Nice, but you felt like a particularly thoughtful question would make them overheat and crash. As a result, and being bored, I thought I'd watch. 

The first task was clearly daunting. This was a wall of cupboards, after all. Uniform grey cupboards. 6 or 7 of them. She walked slowly and hesitantly to the cupboards, and clearly a problem dawned on her - which cupboard? She scuttled back to the desks.

About 15 minutes later I noticed movement from that team again and, once more, the halting, unsure approach of the new girl to The Cupboards. She stops midway, looks at the cupboards. And looks some more. And some more. I realise what she's doing. She's been told she needs the third cupboard. She's counting the cupboards. But the cupboards are double doored. She doesn't know whether the third cupboard means the third door, or the 5th and 6th... She doesn't realise they're double doored. She shuffles back to the desk. 

Anther 15 minutes pass. Stirring on that team again. She's either made a decision, or carefully navigated how to ask a colleague what 'the third cupboard' means. Marginally more confident, she saunters up to The Cupboards. She identities the third cupboard. She reaches for the handle. She pulls. It doesn't move. She immediately shuffles back to the desk. 

About an hour later another colleague from that team gets up, looking a bit miffed and harassed, strides up to the cupboards, immediately goes to the third one, turns the key that's always in the very prominent lock next to the handle, and grabs a particularly large stack of stationery, and slaps them down on the desk.

[fightoffyour]

18 hours ago, supermon said:

I then look down and realize my frickin flies are undone, like seriously undone. Got off as though my stop was next and slumped into utter embarrassment!!

Did you have a stonk on?

[fightoffyour]

On 14/08/2024 at 14:25, rodders0223 said:

We have a system that allows us to attach pretty much any file type in it for future reference.

This person was receiving PDFs through email, printing them off for years, scanning them on the photocopier into I presume PDF to attach to the system as a PDF.

The money. The wasteage. The time.

Did they at least lock up the PDF files?

[TB]

Around Y2K, I started working for a multinational IT business.  Four days into my new job, I still hadn't received my userID/password for logging into Lotus Notes to be able to access my new work email and calendar (or doing anything else I was supposed to do), so I called our IT support.  "But we sent you this information on Monday! By email!.... (long silence...)  ... Oh!"

[sidcow]

21 minutes ago, TB said:

Around Y2K, I started working for a multinational IT business.  Four days into my new job, I still hadn't received my userID/password for logging into Lotus Notes to be able to access my new work email and calendar (or doing anything else I was supposed to do), so I called our IT support.  "But we sent you this information on Monday! By email!.... (long silence...)  ... Oh!"

Man Lotus Notes was ace. My screen used to look like a Rainbow with all the colour coding I would use. 

[VILLAMARV]

Many years ago, when I was in the pub there was another pub across the road called the Lamb & Flag. Barmaid says to me one day

"Someone's got a big horse in the Lamb!".

"No Lianna, they've got the racing on the big screen!"

Same girl, lovely girl to be fair, asked me one day ,

"Marv, do they really eat horse in France?"

Before immediately cutting herself off before I could answer with

"Don't listen to me, what am I on about, how would they get it in the oven?"

 

[bielesibub]

On 15/08/2024 at 19:09, TB said:

Around Y2K, I started working for a multinational IT business.  Four days into my new job, I still hadn't received my userID/password for logging into Lotus Notes to be able to access my new work email and calendar (or doing anything else I was supposed to do), so I called our IT support.  "But we sent you this information on Monday! By email!.... (long silence...)  ... Oh!"

bit late to this one... I was quite familiar with it back in its day.

[Colin79]

When we beat Wrexham 5-0 at their place in 2007 me and my then girlfriend booked the day off and travelled down there really early to make a day of it. 

Once in the ground an England song started, and my Mrs asked ‘why are we singing England songs, are England playing tonight’? 

When I explained it was just because we were playing a Welsh team, her response was ‘Wrexham is in Wales’?

Now the rubbish geography is one thing, but as I said we’d been in Wrexham all day. Welsh flags flying from every pub, signage in Welsh, Welsh accents, Villa fans carrying inflatable sheep……None of it offered her any hints. 

Edit: She’s still a massive fan and goes to games regularly, so incase she happens to be a member here reading this, sorry Shell 

Edited September 5 by Colin79

[tinker]

Erdington tech college Friday afternoon, late 80's, everyone acting up, my mate stuck a sink plunger on his forehead and ran around for 5 minutes,  came to get it off and it was stuck so we all had a go at pulling it off his head. After about 5 minutes we got it off............he had a perfectly round love bite on his forehead for a week.