Stories of the smooth-brained

[Genie]

1 minute ago, Panto_Villan said:

I saw a friend from school poor himself an entire glass of neat orange squash and proceed to drink about a third of it, pulling a face with every sip and muttering “this is strong” to himself.

When we eventually asked him “you know you’re meant to add water to that, right?” he looked genuinely amazed.

The guy was 15-16 at this point. Got into Oxford a year or two later.

One thing we learned from trips to the US is that they don’t have squash/cordial at all. It’s not a thing over there.

This was after we were watering down what we thought was Apple flavour squash and it was actually apple juice. Yes, it tasted terrible.

[Panto_Villan]

1 hour ago, Lichfield Dean said:

My old astrophysics tutor (who was by far the cleverest person I ever met and was involved in the first British rocket programme amongst other huge achievements) could only type using one finger and I'm pretty sure didn't really know what to do with a mouse.

A relative of mine worked in tech support in the early 90s and always used to tell us about the time he got called out to help a middle-aged lady who was convinced her mouse was broken.

After a frustrating experience trying to debug the issue over the phone, he drove to her house and discovered she was attempting to press icons on her desktop by pressing the entire mouse on the appropriate part of the monitor screen and then left-clicking.

[rodders0223]

1 hour ago, chrisp65 said:

We had bought a lot of recycled paper for our copier. But it was too course, too recycled and was gumming up the machine, so we were advised not to use it.

Whilst we were waiting for the paper to be taken away, I took a single sheet of A4 and wrote on it ‘do not use this paper in the copier’ and pinned the notice to the pile of boxes of paper. Thirty minutes later the copier is bunged up with shitty flaky recycled paper.

”Did you not see the notice saying do not use this paper?”

”Oh, I thought it meant that piece.”

 

That one's kind of on you buddy

[tomav84]

worked with a girl who came in one day with a raging hangover. someone had a pack of those berocca things and she asked for one as she thought it would help

she didn't realise you had to dissolve them in water..."i just thought it was like a big refresher" was her rationale

[useless]

I remember the first time I used a vacuum cleander, everyone was laughing because I didn't know how to operate it properly,  I think I was doing dramatic sweeping motions with it, as if using a broom, I was confused by the reactions as I thought I was doing it right, and because I'd always presumed I would know how to hoover. I learned, and when  I hoovered again I was acting really laid back, controlling it with one hand, and the other hand in my pocket as if I was a natural, which I probably was, but I over exaggerated as if to show off that I know how to hoover now

[bickster]

This has happened more times than I can remember...

Sent someone a small spreadsheet

Get a reply back along the lines of... "Some of these columns only contain hashes" or "The phone number has decimals in it"

 

Always police officers

[Rob182]

We once had a right drip working at our place. A guy called Ash, and I think @Paddywhack can probably think of a load of daft things he did and said.

The one I always remember was that he came in to work one morning and said “Some woman outside just started chatting me up, and she gave me some flowers. Don’t believe me? Go and look in the men’s toilets, I’ve left them in the sink”.

Half an hour later, it was the weekly meeting across the floor, one of the leads announces it’s some woman’s birthday, and brings out a big bouquet of flowers. @Paddywhack says to him “Are those your flowers Ash?” and he replied “Nah, mine are way better than them”

[fightoffyour]

13 minutes ago, Rob182 said:

We once had a right drip working at our place. A guy called Ash, and I think @Paddywhack can probably think of a load of daft things he did and said.

The one I always remember was that he came in to work one morning and said “Some woman outside just started chatting me up, and she gave me some flowers. Don’t believe me? Go and look in the men’s toilets, I’ve left them in the sink”.

Half an hour later, it was the weekly meeting across the floor, one of the leads announces it’s some woman’s birthday, and brings out a big bouquet of flowers. @Paddywhack says to him “Are those your flowers Ash?” and he replied “Nah, mine are way better than them”

That guy was @lapal_fan

[Paddywhack]

1 hour ago, Rob182 said:

These two examples are less idiotic and more unlucky.

A guy (I guess you could call him a friend) was stood at the vending machine in our office. Put his money in, but couldn’t decide what to have so clicked a random letter and number. He picked the only number with nothing there. The little metal wire just span around  I laughed.

Another day, the same guy bought a hot chocolate from the drinks machine. “Own cup?”, he clicked “no”. For some reason no cup came out and his hot chocolate just poured out the spout and into the drainage  I laughed again.

That guy was @Paddywhack

Lies lies and more lies. The first one was at college, not work!!

The second one, the 'no cup' is complete baloney. I didn't press any such button! What happened was a paper cup was dispensed but it was crushed, so the hot chocolate went everywhere.

[Paddywhack]

At school once, this dunce kid was getting changed for P.E and he went to get his t-shirt out of his bag, but it turned out it was a pillowcase!

That dunce kid was @Rob182! hahaha! Good luck wearing that in P.E!!

and then his trousers fell down and he wet himself.

[Rob182]

1 hour ago, Paddywhack said:

At school once, this dunce kid was getting changed for P.E and he went to get his t-shirt out of his bag, but it turned out it was a pillowcase!

That dunce kid was @Rob182! hahaha! Good luck wearing that in P.E!!

and then his trousers fell down and he wet himself.

The trousers down wetting myself bit is BALONEY! And I wasn’t bothered about the pillowcase as it was the last lesson of the day and in year 11 we just wore plain white polo t-shirts so I just wore that anyway!!!!! See!!! I’m totally not bothered!!!111

[OutByEaster?]

I once worked with a Chef on a barbecue at the NEC, it was an incredibly hot day and we didn't have much cover, everyone was careful to stay hydrated, plenty of Ambre Solaire and so on, all of us moaning about the heat, except the Chef who kept telling us how hot kitchens were and how this was nothing. At the end of the day he took off his big paper hat and had a perfect line where his face was as red as a berry and his head as white as snow, he looked like a red pint of Guinness. It was beautiful and it lasted about a week.

The next day, a slightly tired, flagging porter felt exhausted so had a seat for a moment. On the barbecue itself. The ladies in the medical centre were quire amused, he wasn't.

Helluva week.

[Rob182]

These are more ‘lost in translation’…

At the bank, we used to deal with a team in India, and they would call us when they thought an account was being opened for a ‘high risk’ client. Papua New Guinea was a high risk country at the time, and I got a call asking “Rob, are we okay to open this account? It looks high risk to us”. I checked the account name… “Guinea Pig Magazine”.

Another time I was listening to a call recording to quality check the India team, and a customer had called to change the details on her account. At the start of the call she started “I’ve lost my husband”, the call went on for 10 minutes or so, changing account details for her. At the end of the call, the advisor said “Bye, I hope you find your husband”.

[sidcow]

1 hour ago, Paddywhack said:

At school once, this dunce kid was getting changed for P.E and he went to get his t-shirt out of his bag, but it turned out it was a pillowcase!

That dunce kid was @Rob182! hahaha! Good luck wearing that in P.E!!

and then his trousers fell down and he wet himself.

Do you call him PillowPeePeePants to this day?  and if not why not?

[sidcow]

I used to sell insurance to Martial Arts Instructors and Clubs.  Some senior Martial artists style themselves as "Doctor"  No idea how that works but you would get the odd Doctor this and Doctor that.

Anyway, I had to phone one of them up with a query.  His name was Doctor Love.  I got the giggles as I could see me asking for Dr Love on the phone (in my imagination my voice sounded like Barry white) . Had to hang up.  Tried to call him a number of times all day and each time I got the giggles.  Had to wait till the next day in the end.

Had another one who always used his initial only, never his full first name so everything was set up as Mr R Saul.  it was clearly deliberate because his wife always signed herself as Lavender R Saul as well.

As an aside most senior Martial Arts people didn't look anything like you would imagine.  Most of the top people at the associations instead of appearing like muscle bound ninja types looked mainly like skinny tramps.  I don't mean the odd one here and there, I mean most of them.  Really strange.

[Rds1983]

A few year's ago I was down in Devon visiting family. My sister drove us down to the local chippy to get food for everyone. She waited in the car whilst I ran in to sort the food. Whilst I was waiting, I was somewhat surprised to see her drive off. She came back again a few minutes later, driving back down the street and parked facing the other way. At this point a little old lady walking past, tapped on the window to remind her it was a one way street and she was now facing the wrong way. We lived on this street only a few year's earlier. 

 

When my cousin was 17 and home alone she decided to make herself a baked potato. She popped it in the microwave and went upstairs for a bath. She'd put the timer on for 45 minutes thinking it needed as long as the oven would. She set the kitchen on fire.

[lapal_fan]

All these mentions from the simpletons I've taken the piss out of and mocked over video games for years.

It's tough at the top. I think you'll find I've got the deepest of ridges in my brain thank you very much! 

[Rob182]

1 hour ago, lapal_fan said:

All these mentions from the simpletons I've taken the piss out of and mocked over video games for years.

It's tough at the top. I think you'll find I've got the deepest of ridges in my brain thank you very much! 

Are you sure that’s not your arse?

[Hobsons Choice]

I've got another one.

A few years ago, I was due to drill a borehole on a Sainsbury's Car-Park. The rig was small, and only occupied a single space. We had a specific location in mind, and knew the car-park filled up quickly during the day, so I drove down early and got there at 5am.

There was no one at all there when I arrived, so I gave a little fist bump and got out a traffic cone and put it in the space I needed. Job done I chilled out and awaited the drillers. 

About 15mins later a guy drove into the parking area, which had about 350 spaces. He drove at about 3mph down row after row, carefully weighing up his choice. I watched him search left and right as he drove. Up and down. Up and down he went.....before driving right into the space with the cone, smashing it to pieces under his car. The only occupied spot in a 350 space car-park, marked with a 2ft high bright orange traffic cone.

I remember distinctly that that was the day I lost faith in humanity. 

Edited August 14 by Hobsons Choice
Typo

[Panto_Villan]

10 minutes ago, Hobsons Choice said:

I've got another one.

A few years ago, I was due to drill a borehole on a Sainsbury's Car-Park. The rig was small, and only occupied a single space. We had a specific location in mind, and knew the car-park filled up quickly during the day, so I drove down early and got there at 5am.

There was no one at all there when I arrived, so I gave a little fist bump and got out a traffic cone and put it in the space I needed. Job done I chilled out and awaited the drillers. 

About 15mins later a guy drove into the parking area, which had about 350 spaces. He drove at about 3mph down row after row, carefully weighing up his choice. I watched him search left and right as he drove. Up and down. Up and down he went.....before driving right into the space with the cone, smashing it to pieces under his car. The only occupied spot in a 350 space car-park, marked with a 2ft high bright orange traffic cone.

I remember distinctly that that was the day I lost faith in humanity. 

The appropriate response would have been to drill a large hole through his car.