JohnCresswell Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Gotta say the french toast one is bloody fantastic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USVillan Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 A man walked into a pub with a chunk of asphalt under his arm He said, I'll have one for me and one for the road Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 A man walked into a pub with a chunk of asphalt under his arm He said, I'll have one for me and one for the road Groan! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 A man walked into a pub with a chunk of asphalt under his arm He said, I'll have one for me and one for the road oh dear, TAXI!!!!...................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
USVillan Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard heh, that's better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 2, 2004 USV *lol* brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted April 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 2, 2004 There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3_Penny_Opera Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 This is a joke I posted on my fantasy football forum message board. It is actually a true story, happened last night whilst I was bartending. Not that funny of a joke, but 98% true- A guy walks into a bar with a German accent. Bartender asks, Where ya from mate? Bloke says, Germany. Bartender says, you follow football at all? Bloke says, yeah...I follow football, 3 stars on the Germany shirt we have! Bartender says, World Cup...thats right. Say, whats the story on Vitamin C and Glucose regarding the 1954 Victory over Hungary? Bloke spits up beer, whats that again mate? Err, Nothing sir...uh, you going to Chicago to see Bayern Munchen??? Bayern Munchen coming to US you say? Yes sir, myself and some friends of mine are heading up to see them in July. Bloke says, good on you son...who else will be there in Chicago then? Manchester United, sir. Bloke says, so youre saying youre going to see Bayern Munchen win then... (I say 98% true because, to be honest, I was a bit more carefull with the '54 World Cup win rib...I wasn't exactly trying to get fired last night. and, I am going to see Manure v Bayern Munchen in July in Chicago...and in me Villa shirt like last summer in New York when Manure went against Jueventus. Alot of the Manchester fans sang the "Who are you in the Claret and BLue" to me. Good times.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 a program the other night reminded me of a classic (if a little distasteful) gag: what's the smallest pub in the world... ...the tholidamite arms (sorry couldn't spell that word beginning with t and ending in e) BOF Edit - thalidomide Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 I thought this one is great...and if you can imagine it being told with an accent then all the better.... A new Zealander, an Austrailian and a South African are sharing a beer in a bar in Auckland one Friday night, on the eve of a crucial Tri-Nations rugby match. All of the sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his galss in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He announces with patriotic fervour, "in south africa our glasses are so sheap we need never drink from the same one twice" The aussie, obviously impressed with this, drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Well mate in 'Straaaaaaaalia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we dont need to drink out of the same glass twice either" They both turn and look at the New Zealand man. The Kiwi, cool as you like, drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Australian........ "in Auckland" he says, "we have so many smartass South Africans and Australians that we dont need to drink with the same ones twice!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Great stuff northernvilla! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 and they just coming.... Bloke picks up a chines girl at a disco, takes her home. She says, "I'll do anything for you" He says, "what about 69" "**** off" she says, "me no cook this time of night" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 ^^^ BWA HA HA HA HAAA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted April 8, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 8, 2004 not PC but .......... At a small airport in the Texas panhandle three strangers await their planes. One was a Native American, another a local ranch hand and finally an Arab student. To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The Native American looks silently out the window. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds across the plains and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? " The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 8, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 8, 2004 a program the other night reminded me of a classic (if a little distasteful) gag: what's the smallest pub in the world... ...the tholidamite arms oh man that's good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3_Penny_Opera Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Alright blokes, I'm in this fantasy footy group on-line like most of yous right? Well, we all know the best part of it is the message boards...talking the smack, follow? Anyway, of course over here there are many MancUnited supporters and half me group are RedMancScum faithfull as well. Well, these chumps continue, to this day, blame the fall of United this season on Rio's 'forgetting' to take the piss test. They STILL won't shut up about it! Each time a camera shows Rio when watching the matches they'll yell, "IF YOU'D ONLY PISSED IN THE CUP!" Well I got fed up with it this last time after a bloke once again BLAMED the table standings on Rio 'forgetting' the piss test, and here's me post- Titled: Rio, what is in a name...? Im almost sick to death of reading your posts on why Rio didnt piss in the cup at a proper time, as I was when looking at his **** annoying beak EVERY DAMN DAY on soccernet.com back in January! Instead of shouting, WHY DIDNT YOU JUST PISS IN THE CUP!? Hows about you start shouting, WHY DID YOU BUMP, BLOW, BASE, COOK, DUST, JUNK, P-DOPE, SMACK, TONG, JUICE, STACK, SKETCH, SHOOT, TWEAK, CRUZ, AUNTI, PIN YEN, POX, SKEE, ZERO, PULL TUBE and YEN SHEE **** SUEY! Cuz the kid is into the Bart Simpson, the Big Harry, the Birdie Powder, the Al Capone, the Dragon Rock, the Good & Plenty, La Buena, the Joy Flake, the Great Tobacco, the Hard Candy, the New Jack Swing, that Witch Hazel, the Tootsie Roll, the SWEET JESUS, the Raw Hide and Red Chicken, the Parachute, Old Steve and On the Nod, Murder One, The White Boy, the White Girl, the White Stuff, the White Junk, the White Nurse and the WHIZ BANG WHEN SHEE WHACK!!! If you like Rio, youll hope he gets off the stuff (by stuff I mean the Rightous Bush, the Rest in Peace, the Rock Attack, the AC/DC, the Dr. FeelGood, the Nice and Easy, El Diablito, the Crown Crap, the Racehorse Charlie... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 8, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 8, 2004 I think that gets the message across Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Ahem, my first offering for the joke thread: Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" I thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 oh dear oh dear, if this had been my first offering then im sure i would have been banned from this thread, but anyway here you go...I take no responsibility for laughter related injuries. "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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