rjw63 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 My last girlfriend was a corpse. This had the distinct advantage that I cadaver any time I liked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search. After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it. In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 I was changing the password for my computer the other day. I typed in "Portugalhotel" But apparently it wasn't secure enough... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search. After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it. In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry. Hate to say it Rob, BUT http://www.villatalk.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&t=512&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=3945 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Ginger bastard must look at the same places as me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brommy Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Producers have scrapped plans to make the new programme CSI Small Heath after it was found no one had any dental records and everybody had the same DNA. Brilliant! The texting begins... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Ginger bastard must look at the same places as me Suerly it's you looking the same place as me as I was first?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Just got myself some new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs................. the birds **** love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Bob geldof has just confirmed that a fundraising concert for Ireland will be held in Ethiopia this christmas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andykeenan Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 I was in a porno cinema the other day. Just as the feature started the guy behind shouted "You're disgusting!" I just ignored him. Two minutes later another guy shouted "You should be fuckng ashamed of yourself!" I turned around and said "We're all here for the same reason, you're just as bad as me" Just then someone else called me a **** bastard. I said "Right thats it! Come on kids we're going home!" Just been watching a lesbian porn 3D Blu-ray on my HD TV. For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator, its like i'm in the room! Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve". Pupil: "But Miss, my Mummy and Daddy said we came from the apes". Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your **** lot!" Paddy gets home from pub late & very drunk..... Wife says "OK smart arse,explain the lipstick on ya collar" "**** easy" he says..... "I used me shirt to wipe my cock. Breaking News: Irish arm of Al Qeada claim responsibility for driving cement mixer off bridge onto Surrey commuter train in suicide mortar attack! A bloke notices a woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do I know u?' he asks.She says 'Aren't u the dad of 1 of my kids?' He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says 'were u the hooker I **** over the pool table at my stag do while ur mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?' She stares at him and says 'No,im your daughter's teacher!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myoldman Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 I've just watched the new harry potter film, its a bit far fetched, i can buy the fact that magic exists and ther could be such things as wizards andn unicorns but a ginger kid with 2 mates??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamboMcInally Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 Steve Jobs is to buy Eire to bring it out of it's economic crisis. He will then rebrand it iLand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC-Prideofbrum Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 I was arrested for punching my wife in the face again. The judge asked "why do you keep beating her?"I said "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 My wife wanted a smartphone, or as she put it "a cross between a BlackBerry and an iPhone". So I gave her a Black-i. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Bloke walks into WHSmith and asks " Do you have that new self help book for guys with small dicks ?".....the woman behind the counter replies " i don't think it's in yet "....the bloke says " yes, that's the one " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted November 26, 2010 Share Posted November 26, 2010 I saw a really sad looking AA man this morning,and i thought to myself. . . this lads heading for a breakdown. (From Sickipedia) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cracker1234 Posted November 26, 2010 Share Posted November 26, 2010 I was told that my muslim optician had died last night. Asif Eye Care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbojangles Posted November 26, 2010 Share Posted November 26, 2010 man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a dildo up her "WHAT THE F**K YOU DOING" he shouts. "well you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she replies. The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of lager. "WHAT THE F**K YOU DOING" she shouts. He replies . . . . "Having a beer with your boyfriend" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbojangles Posted November 26, 2010 Share Posted November 26, 2010 Two guys are sat in a pub together when one turns to the other and says - "I shagged your mum last night we did everything - doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her bum while she put her finger up mine. Then she sucked me and the inevitable happened. The other guy puts down his pint and says "Lets go home dad, I think youve had enough". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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