rjw63 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer had fallen on hard times and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating." This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 this entire page has been dire, not that i could do any better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olejniker Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 The Jonathan Ross one got a chuckle out of me. His lisp is quite amusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he 'kneaded' a poo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 These jokes have been temporarily removed whilst some of the more offensive ones are checked over. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Edit: these jokes could not be saved for your viewing pleasure, but please do not despair. More jokes will appear below in due course. OBE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Some 's there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Q: What smells and resonates? A: Dungggg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 A Jamaican guy put a sign up in his yard "Boat For Sale". An English guy driving by sees the sign and pulls over. He says to the Jamaican "I can see a car and a trailer but no boat...?" The Jamaican says "Yeh man... and dem boat for sale..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qwpzxjor1 Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Haha Rob.. took me a few seconds to get that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 9, 2009 Moderator Share Posted April 9, 2009 Oh lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Drat ?...Is that You ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hillsborough....if only the scousers had calmed down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex. It happens once every 4 years.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South-east England born and raised On reality TV spending most of my days Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool And being disgusting, **** the gene pool When a couple of cells Who were up to no good Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one little lump and my doctors got scared They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 A man sits at a bar, orders a quadruple whiskey and knocks it back in one. The barman, looks a little shocked and says to him "Everything alright mate?" The man replies "I just returned home and found my wife shagging my best friend!" The barman says "What did you say??" The man replies"Well, I looked him in the eye and said.......... bad dog" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gringo Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South-east England born and raised On reality TV spending most of my days Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool And being disgusting, **** the gene pool When a couple of cells Who were up to no good Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one little lump and my doctors got scared They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!' To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South East England, born and raised On Reality TV, where I spent most of my days Being racist and acting a fool Was disgusting, destroyed all the gene pool When a couple of cells, who were up to no good Started making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one bit of cancer and my doctors got scared They said, "We're putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I think the "bad dog" has I say old bean, I think we've seen this somewhere before! as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South-east England born and raised On reality TV spending most of my days Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool And being disgusting, **** the gene pool When a couple of cells Who were up to no good Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one little lump and my doctors got scared They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!' To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South East England, born and raised On Reality TV, where I spent most of my days Being racist and acting a fool Was disgusting, destroyed all the gene pool When a couple of cells, who were up to no good Started making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one bit of cancer and my doctors got scared They said, "We're putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!" So sorry, I'll read through 160+ pages before I post a joke in future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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