IainG Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 hehe I like that. German tyres made me laugh too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 27, 2004 Moderator Share Posted January 27, 2004 NEAR ACCIDENT got me Let's say it 'talked to me' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattS Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, shenotices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 I like that one quite muchly MattS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camilo_marin21 Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 two friends were talking on the phone, friend #1 just moved and he's talking from his new house. when they were done , friend #2 forgot to ask him something. he called back and said: whats your phone number ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camilo_marin21 Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 john cresswell, please keep this topic alive... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 john cresswell, please keep this topic alive... NOOOOO!!!! DESTROY IT!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camilo_marin21 Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 you could cut the criticism and tell us some jokes too, rob (even tho you have no sense of humor ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnCresswell Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 More jokes will be coming very soon.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camilo_marin21 Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 i'll second that , john Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 you could cut the criticism and tell us some jokes too, rob (even tho you have no sense of humor ) Dont know many................apart from small heath - they're a MASSIVE joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 2, 2004 My trouble is all my jokes are filthy. I dont think they'd be appreciated on here. Dunno if a moderator has ever been banned from a forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 2, 2004 A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and goes to HR. She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 2, 2004 After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 2, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 2, 2004 Love -When your eyes meet across a crowded room Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room Marriage - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room Love - When intercourse is called making love Lust - When intercourse in called screwing Marriage - When intercourse is a little town in America Love - When you argue over how many kids to have Lust - When you argue over who gets the wet spot Marriage - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids Love - When you share everything you own Lust - When you steal everything they own Marriage - When the bank owns everything Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax Lust - When the relationship is over if you don't climax Marriage - When.... uh.... what's a climax Love - When your heart flutters every time you see them Lust - When your groin twitches every time you see them Marriage - When your wallet empties every time you see them Love - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel Lust - When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it Marriage - When you listen to talk radio Love - When breaking up is something you try not to think about Lust - When staying together is something you try not to think about Marriage - When just getting through the day is your only thought Love - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner Lust - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner Marriage - When you're only interested in your golf score Love - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk Lust - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex Marriage - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement Love - You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts Lust - You only leave the house for condoms and K-Y Marriage - You only leave the house when you're allowed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 10) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. 21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 23) You never ever run out of salt. 24) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 32) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your word removed with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my word removed with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Fancy another? oK then............ A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 A short one............. An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent. MUHAHAHAHAAAA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 2, 2004 Share Posted February 2, 2004 Very funny Rob! I loved that last one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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