bickster Posted September 25, 2022 Moderator Share Posted September 25, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomav84 Posted September 30, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted September 30, 2022 going to a new restaurant tonight it's called karma there's no menu, you just get what you deserve 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrchnry Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Bumped into an old school friend yesterday in the local shop. He was buying an ornamental globe for his wife. It's a small world. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted October 8, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted October 8, 2022 Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh" sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets". "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her onto his back "I'll take you". Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just waves and walks off. "I was really worried about you" comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?" "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name". 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted October 8, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted October 8, 2022 10 minutes ago, rjw63 said: Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh" sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets". "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her onto his back "I'll take you". Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just waves and walks off. "I was really worried about you" comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?" "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted October 8, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted October 8, 2022 Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming. My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls' toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No" he said "I would rather have him teaching year 5 Geography as he is employed to do..." 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Took my wife to docs to sort out her Tourette's. Turns out she doesn't have Tourette's; I am a word removed and she does want me to **** off. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14-year-old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mothers. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted October 21, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted October 21, 2022 Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 I was in the pub last week when these four huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted October 27, 2022 Moderator Share Posted October 27, 2022 1 minute ago, rjw63 said: I was in the pub last week when these four huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us. Should've gone with 'Don't Stand So Close To Me'. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 I had posted this in the Halloween thread but, my mate said he thought it was bloody funny so here Mrs Ts birthday is October 31st (and she is left-handed), she hates Halloween as she thinks it detracts from her day now follows a true story The first year we got together before she was Mrs T, I said to her daughter I have got your mom a Pandora bracelet as a surprise Pressie, She said that will be nice did you get a charm too, nothing to do with Halloween, I hope. I had brought a witch on a broom stick, I has also told her son to get a charm too, I text him and said she likes the crown one. Bloody spell text. Mrs T ended with a Witch and a Clown 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says "Yeah, it means you've probably clogged the **** plug hole again." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 I cant even count the times I failed maths at school. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rds1983 Posted November 4, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted November 4, 2022 6 hours ago, PussEKatt said: I cant even count the times I failed maths at school. Three types of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post one_ian_taylor Posted November 4, 2022 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted November 4, 2022 On 30/09/2022 at 16:16, tomav84 said: going to a new restaurant tonight it's called karma there's no menu, you just get what you deserve I like it. But would change the punchline to "there's no starters or mains, it's just desserts" 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomav84 Posted November 4, 2022 VT Supporter Share Posted November 4, 2022 my 35 year old mate's getting a really hard time because he's dating an 18 year old. just last night when they went to dinner everyone was shouting at him, calling him a nonce it totally ruined their 10 year anniversary 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts