WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[LancsVillan]

Quite possibly a repeat but in true Jim davidson style.....

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a

response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy

as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her

out of the coma."

The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the

curtains for privacy.

Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his

wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no

heart rate.

The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think

she choked."

[LancsVillan]

Just for you Drat

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird

section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and

asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little

budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for

the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top

of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000

foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box,puts

one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the

budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing

himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy

shakes his head and says, "Fook dat Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n

dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff

carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says He takes a parrot from the box and

lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff

with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and

shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and

breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,"And I'm

never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Shaun

Appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box

out of which he pulls a chicken. Shaun then takes the chicken by its legs

and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he

hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry

With his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting..and now Shaun and his

fook'n hengliding!"

[Designer1]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Designer1]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband...

"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[LancsVillan]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

! WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time

53. give her lots of space

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and beer

[Demitri_C]

>A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the

>middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in

front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets

out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the

side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,

"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it!"

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents

onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the

road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down

the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and

waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of

sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

>

>

>

>(Are you ready for this?)

>

>

>

>

>

> (Are you sure?)

>

>

>

>

>

> (This is bad!)

>

>

>

>

>

> (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

>

>

>

>

>

>(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

>

>

>

>

>

>(You can still delete it)

>

>

>

>

>

>(You know you're gonna be sorry)

>

>

>(Last chance)

>

>

>(OK, here it is)

>

>It says,

>"Hair Spray -

>

> Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." :oops:

[Jimzk5]

whats black and slides down nelsons columbn?

winnie mandella

[BOF]

Hope this hasn`t been done already....

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the

well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said

'OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said

"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse

case I ever see.Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously

"Oh my God,Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,

" Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse ."

Funniest thing I've heard in ages. Brought a tear to the eye. I love it.

[LancsVillan]

who's stick in footy

peter crouch :oops:

[LancsVillan]

who's stick in footy

peter crouch :oops:

see he's a chip off the old block with ones like that

[LancsVillan]

who's stick in footy

peter crouch :oops:

see he's a chip off the old block with ones like that

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[RichardCanning]

What do Jesus Christ & Small Heath have in common?

They both got nailed at Easter!

[Guest]

What do Jesus Christ & Small Heath have in common?

They both got nailed at Easter!

Bwahahahahaha!

[Rodders]

going to nick that joke thank you very much RC!

[aussiedave]

What do Jesus Christ & Small Heath have in common?

They both got nailed at Easter!

Bwhahahahahahahahahaha

classic, love it.

[stewiek2]

A guy rings a sex shop to order a blow up doll but insists that it be realistic. 'It must be realistic' he says,' or forget it!'

So the sex shop takes his order and a few days later his postman has his package and wanders what it is, so he opens up that package to see the doll. So he gives it one, pops it back in the box and delivers it.

About 3 weeks pass and the guy gets a phone call from the sex shop-

'Yeah hi it's the sex shop here. We wondered what you thought of the sex doll we sent you as we've not a word and wondered how realistic it is?'

'Realistic?' says the bloke, 'I copped a dose off it!'

[RichardCanning]

Blondes look away now:

1: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

3: Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[Grogan_Avfc]

What's green and smells like paint?

Green Paint

[sheriffvilla]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm an Aston Villa fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Villa fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Birmingham, and my mum is a Villa fan and my dad is a Villa fan, so I'm a Villa fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Villa fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[aussiedave]

Nice on Sheriff