BOF Posted December 16, 2021 Moderator Share Posted December 16, 2021 25 minutes ago, Rds1983 said: Why does Mrs Claus keep checking Santa's phone? He knows where all the naughty girls live. On a related note, Santa has a list of paedophiles and murderers which he refuses to hand over to the police. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 51 minutes ago, BOF said: On a related note, Santa has a list of paedophiles and murderers which he refuses to hand over to the police. I was going to tap the laughing emoji for this joke, but I need to fact check it first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof". The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price". "But" the dog replied "That would make no sense at all". 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please". The barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and *BANG!* shot the waiter. The barman came over and said "Wha... wh... you just shot my friend!!" The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes" the barman answered. "You're a panda". "Good" the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary". And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA | /ˈpandə/ noun: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 20, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted December 20, 2021 44 minutes ago, rjw63 said: A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please". The barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and *BANG!* shot the waiter. The barman came over and said "Wha... wh... you just shot my friend!!" The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes" the barman answered. "You're a panda". "Good" the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary". And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA | /ˈpandə/ noun: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. My god. Not only does this joke date back to the 90s, this is the 'cleaned up' version. What's happened to you, Roberto? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 1 minute ago, mjmooney said: My god. Not only does this joke date back to the 90s, this is the 'cleaned up' version. What's happened to you, Roberto? I'm gettin' old, Pa 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 2 minutes ago, mjmooney said: My god. Not only does this joke date back to the 90s, this is the 'cleaned up' version. What's happened to you, Roberto? Also I got it from an Australian website, so blame them 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eidolon Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 8 hours ago, rjw63 said: Also I got it from an Australian website, so blame them Not gonna lie I loved it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ingram85 Posted December 24, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted December 24, 2021 Missus just said she is leaving me as apparently I’m too obsessed with videogames. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 25 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Missus just said she is leaving me as apparently I’m too obsessed with videogames. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4. My missus said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop being obsessed with Oasis. I said maybe 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Designer1 Posted December 24, 2021 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted December 24, 2021 37 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Missus just said she is leaving me as apparently I’m too obsessed with videogames. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4. 11 minutes ago, Genie said: My missus said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop being obsessed with Oasis. I said maybe My missus said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees. I didn't believe her at first. And then I saw her face... 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 My girlfriend left me because of my unhealthy obsession with USSR memorabilia... She said there were too many red flags! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foreveryoung Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 Fancied a change for Christmas dinner, was gonna have Venison, but found it more deer than Turkey. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 24, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted December 24, 2021 An earthquake has hit the McVitie's biscuit factory. It measured 7.2 on the Rich Tea scale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted December 24, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted December 24, 2021 Some crackers have clearly been opened early this year! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 17 hours ago, foreveryoung said: Fancied a change for Christmas dinner, was gonna have Venison, but found it more deer than Turkey. That’s so bad I had to steal it 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zen Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 19 hours ago, Genie said: My missus said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop being obsessed with Oasis. I said maybe My missus said she’s leaving me because I’m obsessed with football chants. I said you don’t know what you’re doing. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WhatAboutTheFinish Posted December 25, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted December 25, 2021 (edited) My missus said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop randomly pointing out things in the house. I said “there’s the door” Edited December 25, 2021 by WhatAboutTheFinish 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 14, 2022 Share Posted January 14, 2022 Just bought a memory stick for the wife. It's brilliant! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex since the first beating. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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