Juju Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 She reminds me of a female friend who had a faulty contraceptive coil fitted. She too is expecting a baby in the spring...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 A Texan takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor and asks to have him give her a subscription to the contraceptive Pill. "You want to put your 12 year-old daughter on contraceptives!?" asks the doctor, somewhat shocked, "Er, is she sexually active?" "Naw," says the Texan, "She's just like her ma, lies there like a sack of potatoes". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 16, 2004 Moderator Share Posted November 16, 2004 things a woman can't do...apparently... 1/ Know anything about a car except its colour 2/ Understand a film plot 3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message 4/ Lift 5/ Throw 6/ Run 7/ Park 8/ Read a map 9/ Rob a bank 10/ Sit still 11/ Tell a joke 12/ Play pool 13/ Pay for dinner 14/ Eat a kebab while walking 15/ Argue without shouting 16/ Get told off without crying 17/ Understand fruit machines 18/ Walk past a shoe shop 19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich 20/ Not comment on strangers clothes 21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper 22/ Let you sleep with a hang over 23/ Drink a pint gracefully 24/ Get a round in 25/ Throw a punch 26/ Do magic 27/ Like your friends 28/ Eat a real hot curry 29/ Get to the point 30/ Buy plain envelopes 31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet 32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold " 33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends 34/ Avoid credit card debt 35/ Dive into a pool 36/ Assemble furniture 37/ Set a video recorder 38/ Not try change you 39/ Watch a war film 40/ Understand why flirting results in violence 41/ Spend a day by themselves 42/ Go to the toilet by themselves 43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket 44/ Choose a video quickly 45/ Fart 46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold " the canteen at work isn't the coldest place on the planet by any stretch of the imagination, the company provides every worker with a fleece and a body warmer, i sit there in a short sleeve tshirt not in the slightest bit cold, yet the main table of women wear fleeces, body warmers, the lot and are still cold! unbelievable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 17, 2004 Moderator Share Posted November 17, 2004 An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. ------------------------------------------------------- The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 man goes to a fancy dress wears nothing but a jam jar on his cock. Lady asks him "what are you ?" he replies a fire man break glass pull knob & I 'llcome as quick as I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window... "Uh, yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir " Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir." "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, and then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp. "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that **** smirk off your face!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Class Rob, Brilliant. Any more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car. Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone's help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up along side the troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin. The man explained his plight. The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 A lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting with St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings." The lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the lady, "now what is happening"? "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised." "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 A small heath supporter, resplendant in his Flybee rag, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate being on the dole. I would really rather find a job." The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is £200,000 a year!" The man said, "**** hell,... you're bullshitting me, man!" The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 love the 1st 2 keep them comming, why did u stop? :x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 I have to pretend I've got a life :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc102001 Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 One friday afternoon two women are talking about nothing in particular when one of them spots the other’s husband and says: “Oh look Gloria! He’s bought you a lovely bunch of flowers.” Gloria turns to look and replies: “Oh bloody hell, that’s me on my back with my legs open all weekend.” Her friend looks surprised and asks: “You don’t have a vase, then?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Sorry about this one. Two blokes were walking along a deserted beach, bored to tears. The first bloke suggested "I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach ,and I'll walk as far as I can this way. We'll meet back here tomorrow and swap notes." The other bloke agreed, and they began walking in opposite directions. The next day, they met back up and the first bloke said: "So tell me how was your day?" The second bloke smiled and said "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small beachside pond fed from a waterfall, next to some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree. What about you?" The first bloke grinned and said: "You’re never going to believe it! I walked about 3 miles along the beach and came across a railway line, so I followed it for about another 3 miles when I came across a woman, with most fabulous body I have ever seen tied to the tracks! Obviously I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and spent all day and night having the most incredible sex of my life. The girl was amazing. We did everything together!" The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and said "Everything?!?" --"Yep ,everything," he replied. --''So she sucked your @#%$ then?" --"Oh well, no, that’s the only thing she didn't do," the man said with a sigh. "I couldn’t find her head.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 muhahahahaaaaaaaa, good stuff Withnail!!!! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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