useless Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) What do you call a banana cut in half? "A banana split." What? “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.” Edited January 15, 2015 by useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 What do you call a banana cut in half? Anything you like, it can't hurt you now. You see, a banana doesn't have the ability to hear you in the normal ears sense of the word sounds. But even if it could hear you much, it's not going to have such a grasp of the english language as to know you've just called it something rude, faggot plantain or fruity dildo. It simply wouldn't have the skill set. In the somewhat unlikely event of the banana developing ears and having some basic understanding of english phrase chucking, it's still essentially immobile anyway. Other than it persuading some imbecile to chuck it (and hoping their aim is better than their loyalty to other humans) It's not going to come after you. Presuming this was a hearing, understanding and now mobile banana the risk is still very limited, you've cut the little **** in half. Call it whatever makes you feel good about yourself. It's just a dumb dead seed. What? “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 15, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted January 15, 2015 What do you call a banana cut in half? "A banana split." What? “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.” That's not a joke. It's a statement of fact A banana split is called a banana split because it contains a banana split in half Or have I massively missed something in that joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) What do you call a banana cut in half? "A banana split." What? “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.” That's not a joke. It's a statement of fact A banana split is called a banana split because it contains a banana split in half Or have I massively missed something in that joke? A banana cut in half A banana split The joke now Edited January 15, 2015 by useless 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Nope 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) Two elephants are taking a shower. One of them says the other, "Pass the soap." The first says: "Not soap, Radio!" Edited January 15, 2015 by useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 15, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted January 15, 2015 What do you call a loaf of bread cut into small slices? "A sliced loaf" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 what's grey and can't swim? a filing cabinet. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 What do you call a loaf of bread cut into small slices? "A sliced loaf" Why did the chicken cross the road? He saw useless about to tell a joke and didn't want to be in the position of having to fake a laugh as it made him feel socially awkward, so he took evasive action. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 15, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted January 15, 2015 What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Nothing. Chimneys can't speak. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 15, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted January 15, 2015 What did one washing machine say to the other? "whirrrrrrrrrrrr shuhuhuhuhuhhuh KLSKLSKLSKLKSLSKLKS whiirrrrrrr" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) Why did useless post a rubbish joke in the 'WAHEY! It's a JOKE' thread. Edited January 15, 2015 by useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied. "Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution. The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him. Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor. "A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy. And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. Well, as the law says, they had to let him go... Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners... Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!" The guy replied, "I just like bananas." So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!" "I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mattboyslim Posted January 15, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted January 15, 2015 Diary Of Anne Frank. Monday 10th - Hid. Tuesday 11th - Hid. Wednesday 12th - Hid. Thursday 13th - Drum Practice. Friday 14th - Saturday 15th - Sunday 16th - 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Rodders Posted January 15, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted January 15, 2015 have to hand it to pusekatt, that's one hell of a long term alias plant he's had going with useless. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted January 16, 2015 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 16, 2015 A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?"Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f'ng widow! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mattboyslim Posted January 17, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted January 17, 2015 Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post useless Posted January 18, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted January 18, 2015 A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way. Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I become a monk?" The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth." The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door." The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8pints Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas Reminds me of this 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
useless Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Actually nevermind. Edited January 20, 2015 by useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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