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Two Old Pensioners Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh@g like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh@g like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you sh@g like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."

A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME PETER'S FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE. READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES. ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO PETER SAYING,"EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM LESSON OF THE DAY: DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER ( SHE ALWAYS,ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

Agree with that. Oh, and welcome to VT Lee.

Your not wrong there. Remember when he tried to play Dorke, Collywobble and Savo up front at the same time? Disaster. Didn't we get tonked 5 or 6 by someone (Blackburn?)

Got to be Little for me. Or as the old man calls him 'The Pudding'. I think it's a reference to his hairstyle as a player.

Of course he exists. Otherwise who is bringing the myriad of presents to my two daughters tonight...hang on...my wife is just telling me something about the shops being shut...

"You know somedays, you just can't get rid of a bomb!" Classic stuff! Especially the rubber shark.

Spot on. I'll get me coat.

Peep Show for me. Little Britain has been good but not as good as the first two series.

Hellboy. Great entertainment!

Woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's.... and asks "Can I have a perm please?" "Aye, nee problem pet. Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

Mr Angel for me.

Can't agree with that Doug. Every time I see Rooney play he always seems to look for a defense splitter pass as well as going for goal himself. He comes deep quite often too, unlike the overly hyped Defoe.

Owen for me, think he will have something to prove and I find Defoe extremely overrated for the impact he has made so far.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke had got for Christmas? He'd felt his presents.

That big bearded Lungberg kicking Hardcase Hardcore Claret and Blue bleeding Mofo Mellberg.

Quality mate.

Personally, the only reason I've been a bit harsh on Nobby is because we haven't seen anything like his NUFC form. I think tomorrow could kick start that as he DOES have something to prove, regardless of what he or anyone else says. Hopefully he will create a couple and score a couple. 4-0 wouldn't be too bad would it!

Got into the Smiths about a year before they split up (remember being gutted tbh). Loved all their stuff and it's one of the reasons me and the wife got together (both big fans). Morrissey's solo stuff has been a bit hit and miss, loved 'Vauxhall and I' didn't rate 'your arsenal'. Went to see the man himself many moons ago at Wolverhampton Civic, had to que forever but well worth it

So this Bloose fan walks (ambles?) into a pub and says "Were gonna win the premiership this season".......

Yep, that's worrying me I must say. With Owen (virtually) gone Benitez may fancy putting in bid and I think that will be that. Just hope it doesn't happen.

A piano player goes to an audition at a very prestigious Jazz club. They are looking for an ultra talented musician and he thinks he fits the bill. He goes into the audition and is met by Dave the bandleader who asks the pianist to play something that he has written himself. The pianist says "OK, this is called your F***ing mother is a F***ing whore and you are a F***ing w***er!. By the F***ing way, I've got F***ing tourette syndrome" The bandleader is stunned, however as soon as the pianist starts to play the tune all is forgotten as it's the greatest thing he has ever heard. "What about another one?" asks Dave "OK, this one is called "You are such a word removed and every F***ing body in the whole F***ing world hates you, you F***ing F***!" Again, the tune is absolutely amazing. The bandleader gives the job to the pianist and his first gig is the following night. The following night the bandleader comes up to the pianist and says "Right, you are on tonight with Rita, she is our new singer" he points over to a stunning blonde bombshell in a skimpy dress who is unbelievably sexy. "O F***ing K" says the Pianist! During the first number of the set, the pianist cannot stop looking at the blonde singer and in particular her rather fantastic set (that's tits to those from Dudley!) and eventually he gets a rather uncomfortably large erection which he tries desperatly to conceal. After the first few numbers he is almost at bursting point so he decides that during the break he must go for a J.Arthur in the toilets. Just as he has reached the point of no return in the toilets during the break he hears a voice saying "Oi, you've got to get back on stage now. It's time to finish the set!" He rushes out from the toilet and slumps back onto his seat at the piano feeling rather less amorous as before. Just then the guitarist comes over to him and whispers "Hey, do you know your knob is hanging out and it's got jizz all over the end?" To which our friendly pianist replies... "You hum the F***er mate, and I'll play the word removed!!!!" Ithankyou!!!

Indeed it is Mr Kakahara himself. Top movie if you like extreme (and I really do mean extreme) violence and a nicely twisted story.

A teacher asks a group of ten year olds to tell a story to the rest of the class that has a moral. Little Johnny (the rough kid in the class) get's up and says "Well miss, my grandad was in the war and one day he was caught on the german side of the trenches and he only had a bottle of whiskey and his big knife. He drank the bottle of whiskey and then killed about a hundred germans and then after that his mates rescued him" The teacher, looking puzzled says "Oh, that's really great Johnny, a bit violent but really great. But what was the moral" Johnny looks up and without skipping a beat says... "Never, ever F**k with my grandad when he's pi$$ed!!" Ithankyou!!!